Thursday, April 11, 2013

Kevin Bacon Gets Into More Tweet Trouble

Kevin Bacon: Worst secret agent ever?

Kevin Bacon, actor extraordinaire, has been arrested and currently being held in a secret federal location due to a series of tweets that exposed his secret identity as a North Korean spy. This comes on the heals of Mr Bacon's revealing a major plot turn in his TV show 'The Following' before that episode was aired to the overseas audience.

It all started when Mr Bacon retweeted a message he had received from TV executive producer Jodi Gomes concerning the most recent episode. That message was sent worldwide via the messaging service, and ruining  the plot twist. What happened afterwards directly lead to the actor's arrest.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Idaho State Senator Stamps Out the Corrupting Influence of the Girl Scouts

Boise, Idaho Irving A. Falstaff, state senator from the Gem State's 3rd district, has announced a breakthrough in an ongoing fight against tax evasion and corruption: Girl Scouts are not going to get a free ride in his state.

"I have blocked a nefarious bill in the state legislature that would have allowed the pro-gay agenda, non-profit organization known as the Girl Scouts special treatment. There was a scheme to make the sale of Girl Scout cookies free of the sales tax." stated Senator Falstaff.

The Girl Scouts were trying to pass a law that would exempt them from paying 22 cents of tax per box of cookies sold. In all, the organization was expected to pay approximately $150,000 to the state.

Senator Falstaff, however, is not happy even though he has won this round of the political boxing match.

"The Girl Scouts continue to accept homosexuals in their ranks, and local groups are hotbeds for the recruitment of God fearing girls into the lesbian lifestyle. Their cookies reflect this unwholesome sickness. Just look at the names of their cookies: Do-si-Does, Trefoils, Dulce de Leche -- those sound very un American to me. I say we tax the un American cookies higher than the Thin Mints," Senator Falstaff said.

Critics of the state senator point out that he is more than likely going to facing a fierce political battle for his seat in the next election, and simply trying to divert attention away from his history of marital infidelity. Aids to the Idaho politician state that his sagging approval numbers in the recent polls has nothing to do with attacking the non-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of countless girls.

*Although this story is a fake, the links above point to the real stories behind the real craziness.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

North Korea and the Syfy Channel Linked to Giant Asian Carp Invasion in Chicago

If you see this fish, run for your life.

Chicago, Illinois The city of the Broad Shoulders is under siege, and the enemy is Asian carp. The typical bighead carp are 40 lbs while the largest of the species can reach 100 lbs of aggressive Hypophthalmichthys nobilis. Under normal circumstances Asian carp are an invasive fish that dominate any American watershed they find. However, the fish recently found in the Chicago area are dramatically larger and more aggressive, with the normal animal at 100 lbs and the heaviest weighing in at 200 lbs. Worse yet, there is evidence that these creatures have been genetically modified by North Korea, and sent into our America's waterways  by the Syfy channel.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

State Representative from Arkansas Speaks Out Against the Dangers of Solar Power.

If the solar power-industrial complex wins,
this mother will need to sell one of her kids to a
Muslim just to make ends meet.

Little Rock, Arkansas William "T-Bird" Montgomery-King, state representative of the 15th district in Arkansas, took some time out from his busy work day and talked with reporters about the dangers and evils associated with solar power.

"The power that the Sun wields is indeed a mighty thing," Mr. Montgomery-King pronounced as he drank lemonade in the shade of the great oak tree just outside the state house. "But no matter how mighty it is, there is just so much of it to spread around.  What's gonna happen if we use it all up?"

Friday, March 29, 2013

West Virginian Senator Has Been Uncontrollably Crying For Days

In happier days.
West Virginian Senator Joe Manchin hasn't been seen for days by family and staff. Concerned staffers huddled by the senator's office door and have reported to have heard quiet sobs as well as the nonstop merry making from the cast of MTV's reality show set in West Virginia, Buckwild.

"Oh my God, I knew it was going to be bad, but, Jesus Christ, this is horrible," came a wail from deep inside.

"I think the pressure from all the budgetary talks have really been wearing on him, and then he must have stumbled onto a marathon of Buckwild. That must have sent him over the edge," stated concerned personal assistant, Artie Jones

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Victoria's Secret Defends Marketing to Babies

Victoria's Secrets has recently revealed its spring clothing line Bright Young Things, and has received a boatload of controversy from parents, religious leaders, and their possible target audience -- babies.

"Why are they trying to make me look sexy? That isn't right,"stated 5 day old  Nancy MacDonald (pictured left), just before her three hour midday nap.

Victoria's Secret has denied marketing revealing and sexy apparel to tots. "Victoria's Secrets is not sexing up babies. However, our company's mission statement specifically states that we do not discriminate against a woman's age or size. That  is why Bright Young Things comes in micro-sizes for the college age girl who has hormone issues and is the size of a 5 day old," Wendy Hall, Chief Marketing Director for Babies at Victoria's Secrets.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Jessica Simpson Gets Into Huge Fight With Rival!

Jessica Simpson, mega-mom, recording star, and fashion designer has it all. But when you have it all, there are some people who want to shine by putting you down. That's exactly what happened last week when Jessica went toe-to-toe with a rival at Jessica Simpson's Girls Collection event.
I can't believe she did that to Jessica. That girl brought tears to poor Jessica eyes by hogging all the attention from the crowd and photographers. - Bill Kannard, Ms Simpson's publicist

Friday, March 22, 2013

Rush Limbaugh Gives Beyoncé Marriage Advice

Next, Rush is going to tell Beyoncé how to get in shape.

Rush Limbaugh, famed talk-show host and recovering drug addict, recently went on air to welcome superstar Beyoncé into the land of traditional values marriage.
She's got a new song. Can I say it? It's on the popular charts. ‘Bow Down, Bitches’ is the new tune. A total 180. Beyoncé's now saying, ‘Go ahead and put up with it,’ and you know why? I'll tell you why. Because she got married. She's married to [a] rich guy. She's even calling herself Mrs. Carter on the tour. She has shelved Beyoncé. She's no longer being called that. She's gonna call herself Mrs. Carter on the Bow Down, Bitches Tour. That's the title of the single that's fronting the tour. The advice to these women is, ‘Go ahead and put up with it. Put up with it now. Bow down, bitches," because why? She got married. She married the rich guy and she now understands. She now understands it's worth it to bow down, and so now she's passing on this advice. (Source)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Michelle Obama Scandal Erupts!

Michelle is about to be impeached.
There is a real possibility that she will
abdicate from being First Lady.

Washington DC Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, has officially levelled charges against Michelle Obama. The federal government held its collective breath as the Republican from Ohio read the charges against the First Lady.
Simply put, Michelle Obama's relationship with the organic food industrial complex is improper, and is clearly a high crime of these United States.
Speaker Boehner continued to cite evidence gathered by the FBI on how Mrs. Obama's Let's Move campaign, the nationwide childhood anti-obesity drive, was used by the First Lady to funnel tens of pounds of fresh organic food into the White House.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Real Reason Why Lindsay Lohan Acts Crazy

Lohan: a method to her madness

Los Angeles, California Lindsay Lohan walked out of the LA courthouse earlier today with a big smile on her face even though she had just been sentenced to a 90 day stay in a lock-up rehab facility. When asked why the 26 year old actress was grinning so much she replied, "I just can't hold it in anymore. I'm stepping out of character for only five minutes, but OMG! I am going to star in the biggest movie next year. It's called The Addict."

Ms Lohan revealed that she had been utilizing the techniques found in Method acting, where the performer submerges his or her personality completely into the role. Lindsay's supposed troubles with the law, drug use, and repeated stays at rehab were all in preparation for the upcoming movie.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Rihanna's New Fragrance, Masochist, to Debut on Her Wedding Day

The packaging for the new perfume isn't ready yet,
but RiRi insisted on the color being  as close to black and blue as possible.
Rihanna announced today that her new fragrance, Masochist, is hitting stores on the same day as her beach party wedding to convicted girlfriend beater, Chris Brown.
I take risks all the time with my different hairstyles, clothes, and long term relationships. After my third fragrance Nude came out, I wanted to push the limits of the human olfactory system and the upper limits good taste. That's how my team of North Korean scientists and I came up with Masochist. - Rihanna