Burger King Announces New Fry!



Everyone wants the new fries!

Adipose City, Burger Kingdom - Burger King, the burger empire whose monarch was recently deposed by a mass protest movement called the Greasy Spring, has made a major policy change: it's time to alter its fabled french fry. Under the previous regime the Burger King french fry was oppressed and could never reach its full deep fried potential. Now, the people have spoken! The new and improved Burger King french fry will be coated with a special coating made by the noble ergot fungi. 

UN study confirms that Americans know little about geography.

The name of this planet is...?

New York, New York - The UN has published a report today that unequivocally shows that the typical American knows about as much as a bag of hammers when it comes to geography. Two thousand Americans were originally scheduled to take the test, but only half showed up due to getting lost. When contacted by the researchers those who got lost complained that their GPS guide used difficult terminology like "right" and "left". Regardless, one thousand participants engaged in a one hour written exam and here is an overview of the results.

Mitt Romney On Illegal Immigration: Work Will Set You Free

Mr. Romney, an American hero. 

Des Moines, Iowa - Mitt Romney has dramatically altered his position concerning illegal immigration in America. Seeing an opportunity to court more conservative Republicans after Newt Gingrich stated tht some illegals should stay in the US, Mr. Romney announced his new proposal for a jobs program aimed at this population. The program's name is Work Will Set You Free.

Justin Bieber's paternity test is negative, but a super hot celebrity makes an outrageous claim.

Hollywood, California - Justin Bieber breathed a bit easier tonight when his DNA sample proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is not the father of Mariah Yeater's baby.  However, minutes after the announcement another baby momma came forward to say that Justin is the father of her child: Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy, star of the current hit movie The Muppets as well as veteran of the popular TV series The Muppet Show, shocked the entertainment industry as well as the science community when she went on camera and said that the two celebrities enjoyed a night of sin together.

Newt Gingrich drops out of presidential race!

Washington DC - After a strong performance at yet another Republican debate last night, Newt Gingrich has been ejected from the gaggle of Republican presidential hopefuls. The reason for this about turn for Mr Gingrich is that he is not constitutionally qualified to be President of the United States. Although he is over the age of thirty-five and a natural born citizen of the US it has been discovered that Newt Gingrich is in all reality a Meleagris gallopavo, commonly known as a wild turkey.

The real reason why the Super Committee failed.

Democrats + Republicans +
the American education system =
FAILURE

Washington, DC - The Super Committee, the group of 12 Senators and Representatives who were to cut 1.2 trillion dollars from the budget, has failed. It is common mistake to think that the Democratic and Republican members couldn't agree on the proper mix of budget cuts and tax increases to make a deal work. However, the real reason why the Super Committee failed is much more disturbing: politicians can't do math.

Justin Bieber has a new haircut and a new, old school look.

Hollywood, California - Bieber Nation was thrown into a turmoil at the AMAs last night when Justin Bieber revealed that he has traded in the classic Bieber swoop of hair for something more traditional. The results of the change are astonishing to say the least.

BEFORE: Justin sporting that divine hair.

AFTER: Will girlfriend Selena Gomez be
under the mistletoe with him this Christmas? 

While celeb reporters everywhere commended Justin for going with a classic look, there has been some rumblings that the polka dot bow tie was a bit too much. "Who doesn't like a chain-and-pocket watch  ensemble?" stated Newest Newsy News fashion consultant, Michelle Gurney, "But the polka dot tie simply throws the entire thing off."

Babies are afraid, very afraid.



Help! I had no idea the outside was
going to be this bad. 

Atlanta, Georgia - A group of analysts at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have discovered a disturbing trend: Although the number of babies born in the United States is decreasing, the number of pregnancies are increasing. A closer look at the statistics point to the fact that babies are remaining in the uterus for a longer period of time. The average American baby is now effectively squatting in mom for an extra 3 weeks according to the report. Also, when the babies do eventually arrive labor is extended by an average of 7-9 hours.Why? Scientists have found that babies are simply afraid to leave the safety of mom's womb.

Walmart Announces Radical Plan For Crowd Control On Black Friday

Walmart World Headquarters, Bentonville, Arkansas - Expecting the more shoppers than ever on Black Friday this year Walmart has announced its strategy on how to manage the crowds: Border Collies.  Thousands of the sheep herding canines are being flown in from Ireland, Scotland and New Zealand in the hope that they will be able to control unruly mobs of holiday shoppers. Accompanying the dogs will be shepherds who will be commanding the animals during what has become the busiest shopping day of the year.

Herman Cain To Fight Accuser!

Des Moines, Iowa - In a new attempt to quash the accusations of sexual harassment against Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain, the Cain team has announced that the candidate and supposed victim Karen Kraushaar will meet in one-to-one combat. Daryl Misogyny, a spokesperson from the campaign, had this to say about this sudden shift in strategy on dealing with the scandal,  Trial by combat a tradition that goes back centuries. To put it simply: The two parties in question walk onto the field of honor and the innocent survives and the guilty is slain. There may be some parties out there who view man versus woman combat to favor the man. However, our team has researched a classic Christian text on medieval combat from Hans Talhoffer.

Mr Misogyny produced this picture from the Talhoffer book .

Imperial Wizard of the KKK Retracts Support for Herman Cain

Nathan Bedford Forest,
the origianal wizard

Scumbottom, Louisiana - The Imperial Wizard of KKK, Nathan Bedford Forrest VI, has officially announced that the Invisible Empire of the Ku Klux Klan is no longer supporting Herman Cain's bid for the presidency. Up until recently Klabees (Klan treasurers) have been raising money for the campaign at local Klonvocations  (Klan events). In fact, a portion of every Klecktoken (initiation fees for new Klan members) have been going to the Republican's war chest. Why has the support suddenly stopped?