Monday, September 4, 2023

Ron DeSantis's Shocking Citizenship Test Failure Reveals Unprecedented Ignorance

Not the right answer.

TALLAHASSEE, FL - In a stunning turn of events, Florida Governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis has failed the U.S. citizenship test, raising serious concerns about his understanding of American history and government. The test, which is required for immigrants seeking to become U.S. citizens, covers basic knowledge of American civics and history. It consists of 100 questions, and applicants must answer at least 60 of them correctly to pass. However, DeSantis struggled to answer even the most fundamental questions.

Sunday, September 3, 2023

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Stares in Disbelief at His Own Age, Discovers He's Ancient

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an astonishing turn of events, Senator Mitch McConnell was reportedly left utterly dumbfounded today and blankly stared into space as he discovered just how ancient he truly is. The Kentucky Senator, long known for his stoic demeanor and mastery of political maneuvering, found himself unable to comprehend the passage of time when confronted with his own age.

Donald Trump Declares His Mugshot "Greatest"

"My mugshot will go down in the anals of history."

Fulton County, Georgia - In a shocking turn of events, former President of the United States Donald J. Trump who was recently arrested on felony charges of trying to overturn the 2020 election has boldly proclaimed his mugshot to be nothing short of a masterpiece, surpassing all previous mugshots in the "anals" of criminal history.

Saturday, August 26, 2023

Vivek Ramaswamy Announces Conversion to Christianity

Des Moines, Iowa – In a stunning move that has left both constituents and political analysts scratching their heads, Republican presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy announced his conversion to Evangelical Christianity, a religion he believes will give him the ultimate advantage in his quest for the presidency.

Friday, August 25, 2023

Supreme Court Shocker: Feline Felonies Fail to Faze Feline-Friendly Judges

*In a landmark decision that has left the nation's legal scholars scratching their heads, the Supreme Court ruled that cats are incapable of committing the heinous act of "puurjury." In a unanimous verdict, the justices declared that cats' vocalizations and behaviors do not rise to the level of criminal deception, thereby exonerating countless kitties accused of fabricating tales.*

Washington, D.C. – In a purrhaps unprecedented move, the highest court in the land has taken a giant leap for feline-kind. The Supreme Court, known for its solemnity and serious demeanor, found itself grappling with the pressing question: Can a cat, that paragon of inscrutable indifference, actually be held accountable for purjury?

Saturday, August 19, 2023

Britney Spears Unveils Quantum Revelations: "My Universe, My Entanglement"

LOS ANGELES, CA - In an unexpected turn of events, pop sensation Britney Spears has taken to social media to share a cryptic message that has left fans and physicists alike scratching their heads. The "Oops!... I Did It Again" singer, known for her chart-topping hits and high-energy performances, recently posted a thought-provoking video in which she delves into the realm of quantum entanglement.

Pig Brain Implant Turns Friend from Boring to Boisterous

CHATSWORTHVILLE, USA - A man's social circle is agog with astonishment after he underwent an unconventional procedure that replaced his human brain with that of a pig. According to his friends, the resulting transformation has been nothing short of miraculous, with the formerly mild-mannered fellow now radiating a porcine charm that has everyone hog-wild.