Wednesday, December 7, 2011

An entire town made up of criminaliens detained.

Zero tolerance.
Mount Dora, Florida - In the wake of nationwide mass deportations of illegal aliens an entire community has been uprooted in Florida. This morning agents swept into the tiny hamlet of Mount Dora and detained 99.98% of the population. Thomas Osceola, the agent in charge of the sweep, had this to say,

We entered the community this morning at 5AM, and proceeded to do a house to house search for criminaliens. The occupant of each residence was asked to show appropriate documentation that they are citizens. Not to our surprise a vast majority did not. Following preexisting guidelines we tagged each individual on the ear with a bright yellow ID. The operation was done by 11AM and the illegals are detained until proper transportation can be arranged for them to be sent back to their country of origin

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Royal Family is going to "earn" less welfare.

A tragedy in the making:
fewer outrageous
London, England - The world's preeminent monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, is suffering economically just like her subjects. The British government has announced that the Royal Family is about to begin the most austere of all austerity measures. David Cameron, Prime Minister for the United Kingdom, had this to say about the new plan.

The United Kingdom is facing the greatest economic downturn since World War II. In light of this sobering fact Queen Elizabeth and her family are making sacrifices just like the rest of us. Our monarch's budget for extremely silly hats have been slashed by 8%. The traditional high tea has been downgraded from a sizable meal of anything from Welsh rabbit and pots of tea, to a snack consisting of a pint of lager and chips.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Mitt Romney Decides He Needs To Toughen Up His Image.

Mitt will only be using closed
fists to make his points from now on 
It's been clear that Mitt Romney has an image problem: He is simply too perfect. In an attempt to broaden Mitt Romney's appeal to the average voter the candidate's team of handlers have decided to toughen up Mitt's image.The following are excerpts from a ten point plan designed to change Mitt's image from squeaky clean to lean and mean.

10. At dinner Mitt will use his dinner fork with his salad and his salad fork for dinner.  This created quite a controversy amongst strategists for the campaign with some thinking this move goes to far, while others insisting the candidate state publicly that he doesn't know when each fork is used.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Burger King Announces New Fry!

Everyone wants the new fries!
Adipose City, Burger Kingdom - Burger King, the burger empire whose monarch was recently deposed by a mass protest movement called the Greasy Spring, has made a major policy change: it's time to alter its fabled french fry. Under the previous regime the Burger King french fry was oppressed and could never reach its full deep fried potential. Now, the people have spoken! The new and improved Burger King french fry will be coated with a special coating made by the noble ergot fungi

Monday, November 28, 2011

UN study confirms that Americans know little about geography.

The name of this planet is...?
New York, New York - The UN has published a report today that unequivocally shows that the typical American knows about as much as a bag of hammers when it comes to geography. Two thousand Americans were originally scheduled to take the test, but only half showed up due to getting lost. When contacted by the researchers those who got lost complained that their GPS guide used difficult terminology like "right" and "left". Regardless, one thousand participants engaged in a one hour written exam and here is an overview of the results.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Mitt Romney On Illegal Immigration: Work Will Set You Free

Mr. Romney, an American hero. 
Des Moines, Iowa - Mitt Romney has dramatically altered his position concerning illegal immigration in America. Seeing an opportunity to court more conservative Republicans after Newt Gingrich stated tht some illegals should stay in the US, Mr. Romney announced his new proposal for a jobs program aimed at this population. The program's name is Work Will Set You Free.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Justin Bieber's paternity test is negative, but a super hot celebrity makes an outrageous claim.

Hollywood, California - Justin Bieber breathed a bit easier tonight when his DNA sample proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is not the father of Mariah Yeater's baby.  However, minutes after the announcement another baby momma came forward to say that Justin is the father of her child: Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy, star of the current hit movie The Muppets as well as veteran of the popular TV series The Muppet Show, shocked the entertainment industry as well as the science community when she went on camera and said that the two celebrities enjoyed a night of sin together.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Newt Gingrich drops out of presidential race!

Washington DC - After a strong performance at yet another Republican debate last night, Newt Gingrich has been ejected from the gaggle of Republican presidential hopefuls. The reason for this about turn for Mr Gingrich is that he is not constitutionally qualified to be President of the United States. Although he is over the age of thirty-five and a natural born citizen of the US it has been discovered that Newt Gingrich is in all reality a Meleagris gallopavo, commonly known as a wild turkey.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The real reason why the Super Committee failed.

Democrats + Republicans +
the American education system =
Washington, DC - The Super Committee, the group of 12 Senators and Representatives who were to cut 1.2 trillion dollars from the budget, has failed. It is common mistake to think that the Democratic and Republican members couldn't agree on the proper mix of budget cuts and tax increases to make a deal work. However, the real reason why the Super Committee failed is much more disturbing: politicians can't do math.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Justin Bieber has a new haircut and a new, old school look.

Hollywood, California - Bieber Nation was thrown into a turmoil at the AMAs last night when Justin Bieber revealed that he has traded in the classic Bieber swoop of hair for something more traditional. The results of the change are astonishing to say the least.
BEFORE: Justin sporting that divine hair.
AFTER: Will girlfriend Selena Gomez be
under the mistletoe with him this Christmas? 
While celeb reporters everywhere commended Justin for going with a classic look, there has been some rumblings that the polka dot bow tie was a bit too much. "Who doesn't like a chain-and-pocket watch  ensemble?" stated Newest Newsy News fashion consultant, Michelle Gurney, "But the polka dot tie simply throws the entire thing off."

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Babies are afraid, very afraid.

Help! I had no idea the outside was
going to be this bad. 
Atlanta, Georgia - A group of analysts at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have discovered a disturbing trend: Although the number of babies born in the United States is decreasing, the number of pregnancies are increasing. A closer look at the statistics point to the fact that babies are remaining in the uterus for a longer period of time. The average American baby is now effectively squatting in mom for an extra 3 weeks according to the report. Also, when the babies do eventually arrive labor is extended by an average of 7-9 hours.Why? Scientists have found that babies are simply afraid to leave the safety of mom's womb.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Walmart Announces Radical Plan For Crowd Control On Black Friday

Walmart World Headquarters, Bentonville, Arkansas - Expecting the more shoppers than ever on Black Friday this year Walmart has announced its strategy on how to manage the crowds: Border Collies.  Thousands of the sheep herding canines are being flown in from Ireland, Scotland and New Zealand in the hope that they will be able to control unruly mobs of holiday shoppers. Accompanying the dogs will be shepherds who will be commanding the animals during what has become the busiest shopping day of the year.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Herman Cain To Fight Accuser!

Des Moines, Iowa - In a new attempt to quash the accusations of sexual harassment against Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain, the Cain team has announced that the candidate and supposed victim Karen Kraushaar will meet in one-to-one combat. Daryl Misogyny, a spokesperson from the campaign, had this to say about this sudden shift in strategy on dealing with the scandal,  Trial by combat a tradition that goes back centuries. To put it simply: The two parties in question walk onto the field of honor and the innocent survives and the guilty is slain. There may be some parties out there who view man versus woman combat to favor the man. However, our team has researched a classic Christian text on medieval combat from Hans Talhoffer.

Mr Misogyny produced this picture from the Talhoffer book .

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Imperial Wizard of the KKK Retracts Support for Herman Cain

Nathan Bedford Forest,
the origianal wizard
Scumbottom, Louisiana - The Imperial Wizard of KKK, Nathan Bedford Forrest VI, has officially announced that the Invisible Empire of the Ku Klux Klan is no longer supporting Herman Cain's bid for the presidency. Up until recently Klabees (Klan treasurers) have been raising money for the campaign at local Klonvocations  (Klan events). In fact, a portion of every Klecktoken (initiation fees for new Klan members) have been going to the Republican's war chest. Why has the support suddenly stopped?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Sarah Palin To America: Take Away the Gay

I hate homonyms!
Sarah Palin took some time out today from her Maybe I am Running for President, Maybe I'm Not tour de force to announce a hypothetical campaign promise for her hypothetical campaign. 

Here is her speech.

Good morning, Real Americans. I wish to let you know what my first Executive Order is going to be when I win the big show and become the president of the more than forty but less than sixty states. Of course, this in not saying I'm going to run, but I'm not not saying it either.
Okee-dokey, thanks for coming out.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Draft Day Shocker

Jets fans and Patriotic Christians alike were stunned at the NFL draft when the NY Jets selected Muslim Muhammad Wilkerson out of Temple with their first pick.

A Jet Fan who wanted to stay anonymous stated, “We thought we had them safely confined to taxi cab drivers and street vendors and now this”.

Christian advocate Pamela Geller said that it’s too soon to have those who attacked us having a player on a team so close to Ground Zero.  Asked if there was a team that would be a better choice she said Detroit…after all they have Sharia Law up there.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Norman Fink Is The Republican Nominee For President!

The Republican Party has officially declared Norman Fink as their 2012 Presidential Nominee. The press release today announced that Mr Fink, age fifty five and currently employed at Fox News as the Executive Men's Room Attendant, is so qualified that all the other candidates have bowed out and the primaries scrapped.

The Newest Newsy News caught up with nominee Fink in his recently bought 8 bedroom house for a quick interview.

TNNN: Nominee Fink, America wants to know what is the secret to your success?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Captain America To Be Deported!

Avengers Mansion, New York City - Steve Rogers, otherwise known as Captain America, is an illegal alien and was arrested at Avengers Mansion earlier today. A detail of agents from the US Bureau of Immigration Service were met by the Avengers' butler Jarvis and led into the residence. Upon seeing Cap the agents immediately tasered the red white and blue veteran of World War II into submission. When asked why they tased Captain America the agents replied: "He had a shield and looked like he knew how to use it."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pope Announces New Entrance Policy to Heaven!

Vatican City - Pope Francis stunned the world today by revealing a recent divine revelation: Everyone can go to heaven except for homosexuals. The Pope states that the Holy Spirit approached him during an engaging round of spin the bottle with Italy's Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, and several underage prostitutes that are in Silvio's retinue. (The Pope officially stated that he did not actively participate in the game because the girls were too old and the wrong gender.) The Spirit had great news that heaven is open to everyone.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

New Study Confirms: We Are All Screwed

How bad? Worse than Bieber bad.
 A new study from Ninnyhammer University confirms our darkest fears: We are all screwed. The study, Meta-analysis of the Early Twenty first Century Zeitgeist is a  mutli-disciplinary exploration covering diverse subjects as international trade, worldwide energy policy, human rights, and the upcoming NFL lockout. The lead writer of the study, Sir Nee PhD, related to The Newest Newsy News the research methodology used. "My team combed through all the major research periodicals over the past decade to determine where human civilization is headed." At this point the interview was stopped because Sir Nee started crying like a baby who had his bippy taken away. Finally, after a glass of warm milk he continued, "And here is a chart that shows what kind of shape the world is in."

This study has raised considerable controversy in the academic community. Dr Marshal Cook is amongst the skeptics,  "I reviewed the data thoroughly and globally speaking we are not even close to being in a "Jersey Shore" scenario. Call me an optimist, but on a bad day the world teeters between the 1986 Red Sox and Justin Bieber."

Until the scientific community has this all sorted out citizens are to go about their daily routine and pretend that the NFL lockout will not occur.  

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Charlie Sheen's Solution To Space Debris

Winning in space!
Charlie Sheen, the newly appointed Chief of NASA, has announced a new method of removing space debris: exploding nuclear weapons in near-Earth orbit. Previously, NASA had planned on using lasers to deal with the debris. These lasers are projected to cost $800,000 each. Upon hearing this proposal, Mr. Sheen stated, "Look, do know how much Adonis DNA and Tiger blood is in this plan? Negative 120%. We need a BIG plan." At this point, confidential sources say, Mr. Sheen decided he needed to do a mid morning "winning" session with his goddesses.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mangagement Rings To Be Banned!

Washington, DC - Louisiana representative Maxwell Dean Fox III has proposed legislation to ban the mangagement ring. Representative Fox had to explain to his colleagues that a mangagement ring is used by women who wish to publicly state that their fiancee is officially off the market. Stunned representatives didn't know that such things were already legal and agreed it was time to act.

The Act to Restore Male Dignity, the bill's official name, states "The mangagement ring is a curse against men, the Founders of our great nation, and God almighty. No woman has the right to debase her man in public in such a way. Are we going to force parents to explain the mangagment ring to their children?" The bill has broad support in the House as well as the Senate. President Obama has stated that he is morally against mangagement rings, but does not believe they should be illegal unless 51% of the likely voters in the next presidential election think so.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bieber Fever IS Mad Cow Disease

Boston, MA - Bieber Fever is officially categorized as a fast moving form of Mad Cow Disease. The Boston Medicinal Journal published a study today that proves that listening to Justin Bieber's music will cause large, gaping holes to develop in the brain and spinal cord. Unlike Mad Cow Disease, which may take many years to develop, Bieber Fever may only take seconds to incapacitate its victims. The symptoms of Bieber Fever typically include:
  • Dementia - the belief that Justin Bieber's popularity rests solely on his musical talents and not his Bambi-like cuteness.
  • Memory Loss - all other males are forgotten. Bieber is ALL.
  • Problems with Muscular Control - victims bounce, gyrate, and wave their arms chaotically while under the spell of Bieber Fever.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Royal Wedding Gets A Sponsor!

Darling, you are my Cinderella.
London, England - It is official: The people of Great Britain refuse to pay for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Mass protests flooded central London today in response to rumors that the royal wedding could cost up to 40 million pounds in tax payer money. Grandmums sealed off major arteries to the city by setting up tables and chairs in order to have high tea. Even though the city ground to a halt no one was angry because the grandmums' shortbread and crumpets were so epic.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Iditarod Cancelled!

Juneau, Alaska - The Iditarod, Alaska's yearly sled dog race, has been cancelled by the governor, Thomas Bramblebush. The announcement came on the heals of  RUFF's (Righteous Union For Fairness), the union for the sled dogs, demand for reasonable wages and work hours. Governor Bramblebush made the announcement early this morning from his jacuzzi in the state funded mansion. "The tax payers of Alaska will not be held hostage to dogs! These animals need to obey and do what they are told. They should feel lucky that they have jobs in the first place!" 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Amnesty International Invades Libya

Human Dignity Brigade Attacks!!! 
Egypt - Amnesty International, the premiere organization dedicated to uncovering human rights abuses, has invaded Libya. The pre-dawn invasion was spearheaded by the newly formed Human Dignity Brigade. A salvo of roman candles and bottle rockets screamed into the early morning light while as many as thirty two members of the aforementioned brigade charged into Libya. Soon, the invaders were met by confused soldiers of the rebellion who are also attempting to topple the ruthless dictator Muammar Gaddafi. After a small chat, the leader of the Human Dignity Brigade apologized and asked where the "baddies" are. The rebel soldiers noted that the Brigade may not be up to snuff since several are armed only with super soaker water guns while others have pistols designed to be used with X-Box gaming system. One of the Human Dignity Brigade was confident in his, "mad skills at shooting zonbies."

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Real Reason Why The Price Of Oil Is Higher

The reason why the price of oil climbs higher is clear: Americans do not understand the Law of Supply and Demand. It is commonly held that the increased price of gasoline and other petroleum products is due to the current conflict in the Middle East. That assumption, however, has been proven false due to the recent poll of done by The Newest Newsy News. Ten thousand Americans were asked this question:

What is the Law of Supply and Demand?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Reagan Heir Runs For The White House!

I WILL make Congress roll over!
Rex the IV, the great-great grandson of Ronald Reagan's Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, became the first Republican to confirm his plan to run for President of the United States. Rex made the announcement on his daily radio program Flees, Democrats, and Ticks: America's Pests. He stated that America needs the Gipper's spirit, and he is the right dog, at the right time to make Congress sit down and obey.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Budget is Slashed and Paintball Fans are Ecstatic!

The National Mall in Washington DC has been privatized. The Mall includes the Capitol Buiding (home of the Senate and House of Representatives), Lincoln and Washington Monuments; Korean, Vietnam, and World War II War Memorials; and the museums that make up the Smithsonian. Announced minutes ago, the area known for Martin Luther King's I have a dream speech as well as Glen Beck's I need some medication camp meeting will no longer be open for the public. Why? The reason is clear: America is out of  money.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Charlie Sheen's New Job: Chief of NASA

President Obama announced today that Charlie Sheen is the new chief of America's space agency, NASA. President Obama stated, "Charlie Sheen is the new blood that NASA needs. For some time the organization has lacked awesomeness and a drive for unconditional winning that Mr Sheen embodies." Charlie Sheen, along with his two girlfriends, will be moving into and living in NASA's main offices so that his special brand of excellence can seep into every crack and crevice of the organization.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

President Obama Resigns! New Job Awaits!

In happier days.
Washington - President Obama announced to the world today that he is resigning from the Presdiency. His resignation takes effect immediately. Mr Obama has found that the people who want the position are not aware of what the job entails, or are delusional enough to think that they will enjoy making decisions that no one will like. Vice President Biden will act as president until the next election. Mr. Biden was smiling ear to ear like a kid on Christmas morning sugared up in Halloween candy.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Muammar Gaddafi Steals From Lady Gaga

Late last year Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is reported to have orchestrated the stealing of fashion designs and pieces of wardrobe from Lady Gaga. The newest Wikileaks revelation has hit the international community and the entertainment business hard. In the top secret document unearthed by the site, Libyan secret service agents broke into Lady Gaga’s offices and removed sketches of future ensembles from several of the hard drives. Another group of Libyan secret service operatives broke into Lady Gaga’s Manhattan residence and stole a majority of her wardrobe.
Lady Gaga was asked to comment by Newest Newsy News about the incident. “After the crime occurred I worked nonstop with President Obama to have my property returned. However, that Libyan jerk denied anything to do with the theft while strolling around in clothes designed for me. Who’s laughing now, huh?” Lady Gaga refused to respond to the accusations that she has had any role in the current upheaval in Libya.  A high level confidential source inside Gaga nation made this statement, “It doesn’t matter if he returns everything at this point. You do not make the Gaga angry. It is sooooo on.”

*This story is 100% fake.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

US Budget Crisis Averted!

Washington – President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that there is no hope in sight for a budget compromise. The distance between the Republican and Democratic positions is too far to bridge. Democrats charge that the Republican plan to use the poor as containers for toxic waste defies both morality and basic chemistry. Republicans retorted that the Democrats want to turn America into some God forsaken country like Sweden.
However, the two leaders stated that a process around the impasse has been agreed upon. John Boehner and President Obama will engage in a trial by ordeal, and the winner gets to decide the budget. Popular in Europe during the Middle Ages and in ancient societies, trial by ordeal has a long and respected history. Though there are many types of trials the basic principles are clear:  1. There is suffering involved; 2. Through that suffering the truth is revealed.  The aides for the President and Speaker of the House negotiated which trial to utilize. Trial by boiling water? Trial by fire? Perhaps the Nigerian trial of the calabar bean where a poisonous bean is eaten and if the individual vomits the bean then they are guilty? Finally, the two sides agreed on the ordeal of water.
The ordeal of water will consist of a large rock being tied around each person’s neck and then both will be tossed into deep water. The official who is in the right, it is reasoned, will float to the service, or they will drown and then get their reward in the afterlife. The historical texts are vague on this point.
Regardless, the matter of the budget will be resolved.

* This story is 100% fake.