Friday, December 2, 2011

Mitt Romney Decides He Needs To Toughen Up His Image.

Mitt will only be using closed
fists to make his points from now on 
It's been clear that Mitt Romney has an image problem: He is simply too perfect. In an attempt to broaden Mitt Romney's appeal to the average voter the candidate's team of handlers have decided to toughen up Mitt's image.The following are excerpts from a ten point plan designed to change Mitt's image from squeaky clean to lean and mean.

10. At dinner Mitt will use his dinner fork with his salad and his salad fork for dinner.  This created quite a controversy amongst strategists for the campaign with some thinking this move goes to far, while others insisting the candidate state publicly that he doesn't know when each fork is used.

9. Mitt will be seen drinking one day expired milk. An "undercover video" will be leaked showing the use by date prominently, and Mitt drinking a manly glass of the white stuff. Mitt decided not to drink from the carton directly, because that would be a stunt those Rick Perry people would pull.

8. Mitt will only go to church once a week. Wednesday night Bible study be damned!

7. Mitt will admit to marital infidelity. Mitt will go on FOX News and admit that he has thought about holding another woman's hand.
Even when he's trying to smile
the guy sneers!
6. Mitt is going to perfect the Dick Cheney sneer. Much to the chagrin of his handlers, Mitt's face seems frozen either in a smile or in thoughtful reflection. It was decided that he needed to master the Cheney sneer. How else can Mitt express disdain for his opponents without actually saying anything?

5. The official slogan of the Romney campaign will change from Probably the best candidate money can buy, to Definitely the best candidate money can buy.

4. When ordering in a drive-through Mitt will only offer three thank yous. The candidate's typical five thank yous seemed a bit needy.

3. The official campaign song will no longer by Justin Bieber's Mama's Boy; the new song is the Backstreet Boys classic 1997 track Everybody (Backstreet's Back). Yes, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

2. Mitt Romney plans to use the nucular option: poor grammar and bad pronunciation. The candidate plans to throw around who when he should be saying whom as well as mixing up his verb tenses willi-nilly. Mitt also plans to court the Religious Right by calling evolution eviloution.

1. Every Romney campaign headquarters will have a TV playing the episode of Hillbilly Handfishin' that Mitt stars in. Nothing says badass more than catching ginormous catfish with your bare hands.