Alex Jones To Join The Biggest Loser

 

Far-right conspiracy theorist and self-described anti-globalist Alex Jones is deep in the trouble bubble due to Judge Christopher M. López denying Jones' bankruptcy filing. However, the Sandy Hook families can not start collecting the 1.5 billion dollars Jones owes them.

Anthony Fauci Attacks Donald Trump's NFT Collectible Cards

Anthony Fauci is leaving public service. After spending over fifty years he's looking forward to leaving government work and trying something new. However, the acting director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases still has a lot to say, and he's warning the public against the health perils of former Donald J. Trump's NFT collectible cards.

Russians Are Weaponizing Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'

 

Kyiv, Ukraine - The people of Ukraine are suffering and there's no end in sight. For months they've fought off the Russians valiantly. After thwarting the initial invasion, the Ukrainians retook territory from the invaders with the help of their western allies. Fearing a complete collapse of the Russian forces, Vladimir Putin is targeting vital Ukrainian energy infrastructure. Swarms of Iranian-made suicide drones are plunging the nation's cities into darkness.

Christian Hookup App Crashes Due To Marjorie Taylor Greene

 

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is responsible for crashing the world's largest Christian hookup app, Christian Kasual. The reason? The system could not handle so many users swiping left on her profile. "The system could not handle that sort of rejection at one time," said a developer.

Dave Chappelle Joined A Cult

Comedian Dave Chappelle recently joined a cult and coworkers, friends, and family are excited for him. However, not everyone is happy. In fact, when he went public with the information thousands of his die-hard fans booed him.

Megachurch Pastor Defends 'Faith-Based Dick Enlargement'

 

Megachurch minister Andrew Canard of Burning Bush Ministries (BBM) is under fire for using church funds to pay for treatment to extend the length and the girth of his phallus. The controversy is dividing his flock and increasing calls for the IRS to tax faith-based institutions.

To Avoid Prison This Bali Man Married Himself

A Bali man legally married himself in order to masturbate in the privacy of his own home. While it may seem to be an odd thing to do, it makes sense when considering the new law banning sex outside of marriage in this Muslim-majority country.

Team Vampire Wins The Georgia Senate Runoff Election

 

The Georgia Senate runoff election is over and Democrat Raphael Warnock from Team Vampire is victorious. It was a classic battle of vampires vs werewolves and it turns out to the chagrin of Herschel Walker that, yes, vampires can defeat werewolves. 

Kanye West 'Enslaves Himself' To Donald J. Trump

 

It's difficult to imagine Kanye West doing anything more bizarre than going on Alex Jones's InfoWars in a ski mask and saying positive things about German fascism leading up to and through the Second World War. However, if there is one thing all of us should know by now is that there is no end to the bottomless pit of extremism that is Kanye West.

Alex Jones' New 'Man Supplement' Contains Cat Poo

 

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is selling a new supplement to gullible men. Named Alpha Dog the capsules are guaranteed to produce "high-value males." A cursory look at the ingredients, however, shows Alpha Dog contains a lot of cat poo.

Hershel Walker Writes Keke Palmer A Check 'Just In Case'

The actress Keke Palmer announced to the world she is pregnant on Saturday Night Live and her legion of her fans are excited for her. 

Millions watched her grow up on TV and on the big screen with roles on projects like Barbershop 2: Back in Business as well as playing the lead on the Nickelodeon series True Jackson, VP. 

Harrison Ford's Face Is Frozen In Disappointment

Hollywood - Film star Harrison Ford was rushed to an area hospital early today due to his face being frozen in what physicians are calling Chronic Resting Dad Face (CRDF). 

Mr. Ford was on the set filming the Apple+ series Shrinking where he plays a therapist who is diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Peter Seigel is costaring. He's also playing a therapist grappling with his own set of issues.

Karens Cry Murder At New Gerber Baby

 

Conservative moms around the United States are attacking baby food and product company Gerber. The crime? The new Gerber baby is 5-month-old Ali Farran. And she is a Muslim.

The New York Times writes on the history of the contest.

Over the last decade, the number of entries has also varied widely from 110,000 in 2017 to 544,000 in 2019. The winners have reflected the experiences of children from around the country including an adoptee, a child with Down syndrome and a “miracle baby” born to a mother unsure of how her cancer treatment would impact her ability to conceive.

The prize money has ranged from $25,000 to $50,000 and the two most recent winners have also been named the “Chief Growing Officer,” a job that appears to require showing off Gerber foods on social media.

FOX News personality Tucker Carlson reported the story and called Ali winning the contest to be the new Gerber baby an example of "woke values gone crazy." He further questioned the patriotism of Gerber CEO Andrew Canard.

Annie Lennox and 'Big Pen*s Feminism' isn't welcomed in Florida

 

Scottish singer Annie Lennox and Eurythmics bandmate Dave Stuart are about to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Their breakthrough 1983 synth-pop hit Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) made it on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart. 

A Daughter Of Putin's Has A STD Named After Her

Vladimir Putin's daughter Katerina Vladimorovna Tikhonova bears the unfortunate honor of having one of the most virulent strains of herpes named after her. Nicknamed The Herpes That Launched 1,000,000 Hospital Visits the Katerina Vladimorovna Tikhonova Herpes XXX Simplex Herpes Variant (KVT XXX) is the scourge of the Russian Federation.

Mitch McConnell Clarifies That Nazis Are "Real Americans"

Senator Mitch McConnell is under fire for saying the quiet part out loud. He was already in trouble for not supporting the voting rights bill that would protect Black voters. While addressing reporters concerning his position, the Senate Minority Leader said, “Well, the concern is misplaced, because if you look at the statistics, African-American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans."

10 Reasons Why Vladimir Putin Is Invading Ukraine

 

Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Arrested For Forging Documents

 

Belgrade, Serbia - Novak Djokovic is in jail and waiting to see a judge. He was arrested yesterday. The charge? Forging a document. The maximum penalty for such a crime in this country nestled in the Balkans is 20 years. 

Lauren Boebert Is In Big Trouble With This Primary Challenger

 

Representative Lauren Boebert is in the political fight of her life. The thirty-five-year-old right-wing radical is facing a primary challenger who is determined to unseat her. Her foe is a seasoned politician who spreads extreme positions and threatens to steal her political base.

Joe Rogan Challenges 270 Doctors And Scientists To A Fight

 

Joe Rogan means business. The comedian, UFC commentator, and host to the world's largest podcast is challenging 270 doctors and scientists to a fight. Combat can be at the time of the choosing of the 270 and can be at the arena of their choice. 

Pope Francis Bans Communion For Anti-Vax Catholics

 

For months the US Conference of Catholic Bishops attempted to create rules to deny communion to those faithful who are pro-choice. While they were unsuccessful, Pope Francis stunned the world by ordering all clergy to withhold the sacrament to anti-vaxxers.

Eric Trump Receives A Genetically Modified Pig Organ

 

It's a medical miracle. For the first time, doctors successfully transplanted an organ from a pig into a human being. The emergency surgery occurred last weekend and so far the patient is doing fine. The recipient is no other than Eric Trump.

Eric Trump received a genetically modified brain of a two-year-old Sus domesticus (barnyard pig). Scientists removed a troublesome gene responsible for pig organs to be rejected by their human hosts. It's a huge step forward for the medical profession as well as for Eric Trump.

Joe Rogan's COVID Diet: He'll Eat Only Meat And Drink Urine For A Month

 

Comedian, podcaster, and COVID anti-vaxxer Joe Rogan announced he is focusing only on eating meat for the next 30 days. He's done something similar before. During that 30 day period, he only ate meat and fruit. Not only is he forgoing the fruit this time around, but Rogan is also looking to "elevate" his immune system by drinking his own urine.

Pope Francis Supports Adopting Human Babies At Animal Shelters

Vatican City - Pope Francis announced today the Catholic Church is promoting the adoption of human children at animal shelters. Dubbed "Adopt a Fur Baby and Get a People Baby" this program is to fight what the pontiff stated was "the loss of humanity" when couples choose pets over having children.

Far Right Rep. Matt Gaetz: "I'm Proud Of My Sex Trafficking Work"

Matt Gaetz is in the political fight for his life. He represents Florida's 4th district and is up for reelection. Democrats are hoping to use his ties to former President Donald J. Trump against him as well as Gaetz's sordid history. It's a strategy that may just win over independent voters.

Seeing the potential danger, Representative Gaetz is following Trump's playbook by doubling down on controversy. The 39-year-old politician recently called a press conference and stated he is proud of his work as a sex trafficker. He also insisted the government was the real villain.