Sunday, January 16, 2022

Lauren Boebert Is In Big Trouble With This Primary Challenger


Representative Lauren Boebert is in the political fight of her life. The thirty-five-year-old right-wing radical is facing a primary challenger who is determined to unseat her. Her foe is a seasoned politician who spreads extreme positions and threatens to steal her political base.

Lauren Boebert represents Colorado's 3rd district. Voters there are conservative and voiced support for the variety of extreme positions she's staked out like the right for students to open carry firearms in kindergartens, a Qanon curriculum in schools, and tax cuts for billionaire Elon Musk. And yet, would these same voters support a candidate with more extreme views?

Professor Andrew Canard teaches Quantum Political Science Theory at Miskatonic University. He believes the answer is a resounding yes. "They already elected a walking talking fascist," he said. "It makes perfect sense for them to vote for the Bible of fascists."

Boebert's political foe challenges that depiction of their character. He believes there is a threat to the country and that threat is from anti-patriotic forces. Boebert may talk the talk but this candidate uses better English in their rhetoric.

He who would live must fight. He who doesn't wish to fight in this world, where permanent struggle is the law of life, has not the right to exist. - candidate Kampf

"I like the way Mr. Kampf talks," said local voter Billy MacKing. "He's got a weird name, but he's one of my people"

Even though the political challenger heils from Germany, voters in this district have adopted him as one of their own. 

Mr. Mein Kampf is currently polling at 53% of likely Republican voters. Even though he was born in 1925 his message is as strong as ever amongst conservatives. Lauren Boebert may just lose her seat.

In related news, these three haiku are sexually awkward.