Vatican City - Pope Francis announced today the Catholic Church is promoting the adoption of human children at animal shelters. Dubbed "Adopt a Fur Baby and Get a People Baby" this program is to fight what the pontiff stated was "the loss of humanity" when couples choose pets over having children.
"We see that people do not want to have children, or just one and no more. And many, many couples do not have children because they do not want to, or they have just one -- but they have two dogs, two cats ... Yes, dogs and cats take the place of children," the Pope said. "Yes, it's funny, I understand, but it is the reality. And this denial of fatherhood or motherhood diminishes us, it takes away our humanity. And in this way civilization becomes aged and without humanity, because it loses the richness of fatherhood and motherhood. And our homeland suffers, as it does not have children."
The Church is reportedly spending hundreds of millions in order to create pop-up adoption centers in the lobbies of animal shelters. Every single cat dad and doggy mom will be offered a baby. If the potential parents meet qualifications (i.e., the couple is heterosexual and Catholic), then they could walk out with a healthy pet as well as one, two, three, or more babies to take home with them.
"This is the wave of the future," Cardinal Andrew Canard said. "This program is just another example of how innovative the Church really is. In fact, we're working on a promotional deal with Subway. If a couple adopts a child we will give them a six-inch-long meatball sub. The more kids you adopt, the more subs you get!"
In related news, Representative Matt Gaetz is stirring up more controversy.