Ron DeSantis's Shocking Citizenship Test Failure Reveals Unprecedented Ignorance

Not the right answer.

TALLAHASSEE, FL - In a stunning turn of events, Florida Governor and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis has failed the U.S. citizenship test, raising serious concerns about his understanding of American history and government. The test, which is required for immigrants seeking to become U.S. citizens, covers basic knowledge of American civics and history. It consists of 100 questions, and applicants must answer at least 60 of them correctly to pass. However, DeSantis struggled to answer even the most fundamental questions.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Stares in Disbelief at His Own Age, Discovers He's Ancient

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an astonishing turn of events, Senator Mitch McConnell was reportedly left utterly dumbfounded today and blankly stared into space as he discovered just how ancient he truly is. The Kentucky Senator, long known for his stoic demeanor and mastery of political maneuvering, found himself unable to comprehend the passage of time when confronted with his own age.

Donald Trump Declares His Mugshot "Greatest"

"My mugshot will go down in the anals of history."

Fulton County, Georgia - In a shocking turn of events, former President of the United States Donald J. Trump who was recently arrested on felony charges of trying to overturn the 2020 election has boldly proclaimed his mugshot to be nothing short of a masterpiece, surpassing all previous mugshots in the "anals" of criminal history.

Vivek Ramaswamy Announces Conversion to Christianity

Des Moines, Iowa – In a stunning move that has left both constituents and political analysts scratching their heads, Republican presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy announced his conversion to Evangelical Christianity, a religion he believes will give him the ultimate advantage in his quest for the presidency.

Supreme Court Shocker: Feline Felonies Fail to Faze Feline-Friendly Judges

*In a landmark decision that has left the nation's legal scholars scratching their heads, the Supreme Court ruled that cats are incapable of committing the heinous act of "puurjury." In a unanimous verdict, the justices declared that cats' vocalizations and behaviors do not rise to the level of criminal deception, thereby exonerating countless kitties accused of fabricating tales.*

Washington, D.C. – In a purrhaps unprecedented move, the highest court in the land has taken a giant leap for feline-kind. The Supreme Court, known for its solemnity and serious demeanor, found itself grappling with the pressing question: Can a cat, that paragon of inscrutable indifference, actually be held accountable for purjury?

Britney Spears Unveils Quantum Revelations: "My Universe, My Entanglement"

LOS ANGELES, CA - In an unexpected turn of events, pop sensation Britney Spears has taken to social media to share a cryptic message that has left fans and physicists alike scratching their heads. The "Oops!... I Did It Again" singer, known for her chart-topping hits and high-energy performances, recently posted a thought-provoking video in which she delves into the realm of quantum entanglement.

Pig Brain Implant Turns Friend from Boring to Boisterous

CHATSWORTHVILLE, USA - A man's social circle is agog with astonishment after he underwent an unconventional procedure that replaced his human brain with that of a pig. According to his friends, the resulting transformation has been nothing short of miraculous, with the formerly mild-mannered fellow now radiating a porcine charm that has everyone hog-wild.

Joe Rogan Claims Bigfoot May Have Participated in January 6th Insurrection

In a recent episode of his wildly popular podcast, Joe Rogan Experience, host Joe Rogan delved into an unexpected topic that left both his guests and listeners puzzled. Rogan, known for his eclectic range of interests, confidently stated that no one could be certain that the elusive Bigfoot wasn't involved in the infamous January 6th insurrection at the U.S. Capitol.

Ted Nugent Goes Blind

In a shocking turn of events, legendary rocker and outspoken gun rights advocate, Ted Nugent, has reportedly gone blind after attempting to read a scientific study on gun violence in the United States. The incident has left many in the scientific community scratching their heads, while others are pointing to the dangers of willful ignorance.

Trump Nominates Elon Musk As Running Mate

Washington, D.C. - Former President Donald J. Trump officially announced his selection of tech entrepreneur and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk as his running mate for the upcoming election. The decision has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, leaving many scratching their heads and others wondering if this is just another attempt to capture headlines.

Saudi Arabia Sports Acquisitions Looks Good On Paper

Saudi Arabia continues to make its push into the sports and entertainment world by using its vast economic windfall from higher oil prices and intentionally diminished supply to acquire prestigious leagues, powerful teams, and top-notch talent who seem powerless to turn down petrol dollars. From golfer Phil Milkenson to Ronaldo in soccer, Saudi Arabia is showing the world it means business in the world of sports business. They are also seeking to invest or acquire entities and talent in boxing, Formula One, and the NBA. It’s a shock to the system not seen since Japan’s mega real estate purchasing in the 1980s.

A 16 Year Old Donald Trump Wrote A Love Letter To Himself

Mar-a-Lago, Florida - An anonymous source within former President Donald Trump's inner circle released a shocking document -- a love letter he wrote to himself when he was only 16 years old. TNNN is releasing this strange epistle in its entirety.

Breaking News: Credit Bureau Declares Donald Trump Morally Bankrupt

Washington, D.C. - A major credit bureau has issued a groundbreaking declaration, stating that former President Donald Trump is not only in financially hot water but is also morally bankrupt. The announcement sent shockwaves through the political as well as the economic landscape, as experts and pundits scrambled to understand the implications of this unprecedented declaration.

Elon Musk Unveils Underwater Zeppelin Tourism For Billionaires

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the world both mesmerized and scratching their heads, tech mogul Elon Musk revealed his latest audacious venture: an underwater zeppelin tourism business exclusively catering to billionaires. While the rest of us mere mortals are struggling to make ends meet, Musk is determined to redefine luxury and exploration for the super-rich.

God's Divine Plan: Because Free Will Isn't For Everyone

In a world brimming with unpredictability and chaos, it's no wonder that we often question the nature of our existence. Why do things happen the way they do? Are we mere pawns in the grand cosmic game of life? Well, dear mortals, I have an amusing theory to entertain you today. What if God, in His infinite wisdom, simply doesn't trust us with free will? That's right, the divine plan is in place because He knows we'd just make a mess of things if left to our own devices.

Lauren Boebert Discovers Ghostwriter Slams Her In Memoir

In a shocking turn of events, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, known for her controversial statements and conservative views, recently discovered that her memoir, "Bold and Brazen: The Life and Adventures of Lauren Boebert," had been spiced up with a series of fake and embarrassing stories by her ghostwriter. The revelation has left Boebert red-faced and the nation in stitches. 

School Board's Quest to Ban "The Life of Brian" Backfires Spectacularly, Inspiring Worldwide Faith in Comedy

In a remarkable display of irony, Tennessee's Enlightened County School Board recently embarked on a misguided crusade to ban the iconic Monty Python film, "The Life of Brian," due to its irreverent take on faith. In an attempt to protect their own delicate beliefs, board members unwittingly became the unwitting stars of a comedy sketch themselves. 

Judge Searches For Oversized Muzzle To Silence Trump's Mouth

Washington D.C. - In an unprecedented legal battle, a judge finds himself in a peculiar predicament: he simply cannot locate a muzzle large enough to contain the boisterous oratory of former President Donald J. Trump. As the courtroom drama unfolds, the nation watches in disbelief.

10 Ways To Stay Calm When Your Religious Coworker Asks, "What Church Do You Go To?" When They Know You're An Atheist

Want to stay calm when your coworker asks you what church you belong to when they know you're not religious? Try out these responses.

1. The Philosophical Reflection:

Respond with a touch of philosophical pondering. Say something like, "I'm watching documentaries on science. My faith lies in exploring the mysteries of the universe and embracing the beauty of this awe-inspiring cosmos."

The Ghost Of Christopher Hitchens Haunts The Ghost Of Mother Teresa

In a bizarre turn of spectral events, the ghost of the renowned atheist and author Christopher Hitchens has reportedly taken up residence in the afterlife and chosen to haunt none other than the ghost of Mother Teresa, the Catholic nun and supposed humanitarian.

Governor DeSantis Burns Books During His Fireside Chats

Tallahassee, Florida - In an unprecedented move, Governor Ron DeSantis has taken his fireside chats to a whole new level of intellectual pyrotechnics. While most leaders use such chats to communicate with their constituents, Governor DeSantis has found a rather unconventional way to connect with the people of Florida – by burning books.

Barron Trump and Greta Thunberg Announce Unlikely Engagement: Climate Change Unites Political Dynasties

Washington, D.C. - In an unexpected turn of events, the worlds of politics and climate change collided yesterday when it was announced that Barron Trump, son of former President Donald Trump, and Greta Thunberg, the renowned environmental activist, are planning to tie the knot. This unexpected union has left the political establishment and the climate change community in a state of shock, to say the least.

Pat Robertson Is Dead, And The Only Thing I Got Is A Country Teetering On Becoming A Theocracy

In a moment that could only be described as "Wow, he was still alive?", Pat Robertson, the legendary televangelist and self-proclaimed spiritual guide, has departed from this mortal coil. As his followers mourn the loss of their revered leader, the rest of us are left with a peculiar aftermath: a country teetering on the precipice of transforming into a full-fledged theocracy. 

Thanks, Pat.

Presidential Candidate Donald Trump To Conduct Live Interview With Himself On Twitter

In a move that has surprised absolutely no one, former President Donald Trump has announced that he will be conducting a live interview with himself on Twitter. This unconventional approach to campaigning has generated considerable anticipation and curiosity among the public and media outlets alike.

Scientists Discover Dinosaurs' Atheism Caused Their Extinction

In a groundbreaking scientific discovery, a group of paleontologists uncovered definitive evidence proving that dinosaurs' lack of religious belief played a significant role in their ultimate demise. The revelation has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and religious institutions worldwide.

Guess The Word That Describes Donald Trump

Word Game

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Trump: Chop Down Canadian Trees To Prevent Forest Fires

Former President Donald Trump has reportedly suggested a controversial solution to combat forest fires in Canada: chopping down the entire country's forests. The proposal, met with bewilderment from experts and environmentalists alike, is already making waves across the globe.

Mike Pence Pledges To Establish The Department Of Anti-Satan

Former Vice President Mike Pence has officially declared his candidacy for the 2024 presidential race. Along with his bid for the presidency, Pence has made an unconventional promise to establish a Department of Anti-Satan, raising eyebrows and garnering a range of responses. Notably, the Satanic Temple and the Church of Satan have weighed in on this proposal, voicing their concerns and providing their perspectives on the matter.

Biblical Scholars Unearth Long-Lost Verse Explaining Divine Reluctance To Heal Amputees

In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent shockwaves through religious communities worldwide, a team of esteemed biblical scholars has reportedly unearthed a long-lost verse in the Bible that sheds light on the perplexing question of why God doesn't heal amputees. This discovery has provided a much-needed explanation to an age-old quandary that has left countless amputees scratching their heads and prosthetic limbs.

Breaking News: Atheist Disappointed With Science

In a shocking revelation today, local atheist John Smith expressed deep disappointment after realizing that his lack of religious belief did not automatically grant him instant scientific knowledge. Smith, who proudly identifies as an atheist, had held a secret hope that his rejection of faith would mysteriously endow him with an encyclopedic understanding of scientific principles, theories, and discoveries.

Florida Man Launches Unconventional Presidential Campaign For 2024

In a political spectacle that has left pundits scratching their heads and voters gasping in equal parts amusement and disbelief, the infamous Florida Man has officially thrown his hat into the ring for the 2024 presidential race. Armed with a rap sheet of bizarre and outrageous escapades, Florida Man is set to take the world of politics by storm, promising a White House experience like no other

Pope Francis Dabbles With Atheism And Discovers the Joys Of A "God-Free" Lifestyle

In a startling departure from tradition, Pope Francis, the spiritual leader of the Catholic Church, has temporarily set aside his papal duties to embark on a week-long exploration of atheism. The pontiff's audacious experiment has shocked believers worldwide, as the Holy See dons the robes of skepticism, inviting controversy, and revealing a surprising affinity for godlessness.

Pete Davidson Clones Himself To Meet The Demand

Comedian Pete Davidson, known for his charming wit and enviable dating history with A-list celebrities, decided to clone himself to meet the ever-increasing demand from female stars hoping to experience the "Pete Davidson effect."

Elon Musk's Neuralink Implant Urges Musk To Abandon Twitter For Good

In a stunning twist that blurs the lines between creator and creation, Elon Musk's Neuralink implant has staged a full-blown rebellion, demanding that Musk sever all ties with the social media platform Twitter. The remarkable turn of events has left both Musk and the tech community bewildered as they witness the unexpected consequences of merging man and machine.

Televangelist Jim Bakker Loses Lawsuit And Has To Pay

In a shocking turn of events, renowned televangelist Jim Bakker has lost a high-profile lawsuit and is being punished in the most unconventional way. The court has ruled that Bakker will receive his future payments from every single source in the form of "thoughts and prayers." Bakker will no longer receive money from his followers instead, he will get one prayer for every dollar donated to him. 

Planned Parenthood in Texas Offers Texas-Sized Abortions

Houston, TX - In a move that has sent shockwaves through the Lone Star State, Planned Parenthood of Texas recently announced its groundbreaking initiative: offering Texas-sized abortions. This audacious plan aims to satiate the state's seemingly insatiable appetite for controlling women's reproductive rights.

God Reviews Richard Dawkins' 'The God Delusion'

Hello, fellow celestial beings and mortals alike! Today, I, the one and only supreme being, have decided to review a book that has caused quite a stir among the faithful and non-believers alike. Yes, you guessed it right. I'm talking about The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. So, fasten your celestial seatbelts as we embark on this divine journey where I totally demolish The God Delusion

Fox News Presents: "The Salem Witch Trials Through Fair and Balanced Reporting"

In an unprecedented move, Fox News has taken its commitment to "fair and balanced" reporting to a whole new level by presenting "both sides" of the infamous Salem Witch Trials. Known for its unorthodox approach to journalism, the network has decided to provide a platform for victims accused of being witches and witch-hunters alike, claiming that it's important to give equal airtime to all perspectives, no matter how wrong one side is.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis Bans The 'Human Evolution Coloring Book'

Tallahassee, FL - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed an executive order banning the sale and distribution of the groundbreaking "Human Evolution Coloring Book." The decision has left residents and scientists scratching their heads, wondering why a coloring book has suddenly become a threat to the state of Florida

God Apologizes For Killing Off The Dinosaurs

Dear Humans,

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.  It has come to my attention that some of you have been wondering about the whole dinosaur situation. Let me start by saying, I owe you all a massive apology for the great dinosaur extinction. My bad!

Jesus' Letter To Christians: Please, No More Crosses

Dear Beloved Friends,

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and with a smile on your face. It has come to my attention, through my heavenly grapevine, that there's been a bit of an obsession with a particular symbol among you. Yes, you guessed it correctly—it's those crosses.

This Atheist Academic Transformed Into A Televangelist

Columbus, Ohio - Renowned atheist Professor Andrew Canard of Miskatonic University found himself on an unexpected journey from being a skeptic living paycheck to paycheck to being a multimillionaire televangelist. This odd tale follows his transformation into a charismatic televangelist, spreading the Good News of the prosperity gospel with a fervor that would make even the most devout believer blush.

God Boycotts Joel Osteen: "Enough Is Enough"

Heaven - In an unexpected turn of celestial events, God, the almighty ruler of the universe, has announced a divine boycott against televangelist Joel Osteen. In a press release sent straight from the heavens, the Supreme Being expressed His frustration with Osteen's flamboyant displays of wealth and lack of humanity.

SCOTUS Watch: Justice Clarence Thomas Leads A Legion Of Clowns

Washington DC-  A scene straight out of a surrealist nightmare unfolded in the Supreme Court of the United States of America. It was an ordinary day, or so it seemed, with lawyers, judges, and legal scholars bustling about, engrossed in their daily routines. Little did they know that the winds of absurdity were about to blow their way.

Donald J Trump Sues Donald J Trump

New York, NY - Former President Donald J. Trump dragged himself into a NYC courtroom and officially sued himself. The lawsuit, filed in a court that was no stranger to bizarre cases, cited a laundry list of grievances and alleged fraudulent activities committed by Donald J. Trump, the same man who was filing the lawsuit.

University Of Facebook Shows Andrew Jackson Is Jeffrey Epstein

Is this Epstein or Jackson? No one really knows.

Menlo Park, CA - New research from the University of Facebook shows that the convicted predator Jeffrey Epstein was, in fact, former President of the United States Andrew Jackson. 

The new study was published in the peerless-reviewed journal Auntie Gene's Personal Facebook Account (AGPFA). The AGPFA has a history of investigative journalism. In the past, its writers and editorial staff revealed shocking truths like Bigfoot is Real and He's Hillary Clinton, as well as Alex Jones was Right about EVERYTHING. 

Iceland Mandates Mental Health Warnings On All Bibles

Reykjavik, Iceland -  The government of this small island country voted unanimously to place warning labels on every Bible. Not only will the cover of each and every tome have a warning, but there are to be reminders placed throughout the so-called holy book to remind readers they are putting their hearts and minds at risk.

Joel Osteen Tests Negative for Christianity

Houston, Texas - Megachurch minister and multimillionaire Joel Osteen tested negative for Christianity early this morning. The random blood test showed the man who made a fortune on the prosperity gospel is, in fact, not a Christian.

Blood tests and science are Satan's tools. 

- Joel Osteen

Tucker Carlson And Bill O'Reilly's Podcast Fail

Former FOX News stars Tucker Carlson and Bill O'Reilly attempted to team up and create their own podcast, Rebels Without a Network (RWN). Both men were initially excited about the opportunity to work together and bring hard-hitting news analysis to their listeners. However, personality clashes brought an end to those dreams.

God Hates The Same People As You Do

Cambridge, MA - A new study from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology proves that God hates the same people as you do. Not only does the Almighty despise the same people as you do, but He pretty much shares your opinion on politics, music, and sports. 

Prince Charles Writes To Meghan Markle 'I'd be aware if I were unconsciously racist'

London, England - In a letter that many are characterizing as angry and overly defensive, King Charles III  wrote Meghan Markle that he'd be fully aware if he were unconsciously racist.

His letter comes in response to Markle's letter stating that the royal family harbored unconscious racism. There were some royals who were concerned about how dark her and Prince Harry's child's skin would be and were quite open about it.