An entire town made up of criminaliens detained.

Zero tolerance.

Mount Dora, Florida - In the wake of nationwide mass deportations of illegal aliens an entire community has been uprooted in Florida. This morning agents swept into the tiny hamlet of Mount Dora and detained 99.98% of the population. Thomas Osceola, the agent in charge of the sweep, had this to say,

We entered the community this morning at 5AM, and proceeded to do a house to house search for criminaliens. The occupant of each residence was asked to show appropriate documentation that they are citizens. Not to our surprise a vast majority did not. Following preexisting guidelines we tagged each individual on the ear with a bright yellow ID. The operation was done by 11AM and the illegals are detained until proper transportation can be arranged for them to be sent back to their country of origin

The Royal Family is going to "earn" less welfare.

A tragedy in the making:
fewer outrageous
hats.

London, England - The world's preeminent monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, is suffering economically just like her subjects. The British government has announced that the Royal Family is about to begin the most austere of all austerity measures. David Cameron, Prime Minister for the United Kingdom, had this to say about the new plan.

The United Kingdom is facing the greatest economic downturn since World War II. In light of this sobering fact Queen Elizabeth and her family are making sacrifices just like the rest of us. Our monarch's budget for extremely silly hats have been slashed by 8%. The traditional high tea has been downgraded from a sizable meal of anything from Welsh rabbit and pots of tea, to a snack consisting of a pint of lager and chips.

Mitt Romney Decides He Needs To Toughen Up His Image.

Mitt will only be using closed
fists to make his points from now on 

It's been clear that Mitt Romney has an image problem: He is simply too perfect. In an attempt to broaden Mitt Romney's appeal to the average voter the candidate's team of handlers have decided to toughen up Mitt's image.The following are excerpts from a ten point plan designed to change Mitt's image from squeaky clean to lean and mean.

10. At dinner Mitt will use his dinner fork with his salad and his salad fork for dinner.  This created quite a controversy amongst strategists for the campaign with some thinking this move goes to far, while others insisting the candidate state publicly that he doesn't know when each fork is used.