Saturday, December 6, 2014

Seventh Grade Science Teacher Anthony Genovese Will Sign 72 Million Dollar Contract Deal With Boston Schools

High hopes in Boston for another
season of academic domination
in their division.
The Boston School System has reached an agreement with Bridgewater State University's new graduate, Anthony Genovese on a 7 year 72 million dollar contract that will take effect next September.

The deal set a new record in hiring highly motivated and qualified science teachers far surpassing the 58 million dollar contract made with U-Mass graduate Harvey Smith.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Housing Prices to Drop, and Americans Choose to be Nomads

While the housing market appears to be improving along with the overall American economy, RUIN (Realty Universal Insolvency Network), a Washington think tank, announced that home prices are set to tumble next year.  With the Federal Reserve due to raise interest rates, and the ensuing bursting of the stock market bubble there is sure to be a collapse in the "frothy" real estate market. Upon hearing this news scores of would-be homeowners as well as current owners of condos, townhouses, and stand alone homes have opted for a nomadic lifestyle.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Vladimir Putin - Hello Kitty Superfan

President Putin's official photograph
for the Hello Kitty Fan Club.

Moscow, Russia In what may be the strangest attempt for any public figure to soften his or her public image, Vladimir Putin, the President of the Russian Federation, has announced to the world that he is Hello Kitty's biggest superfan.

Anonymous sources deep in the Russian government stated President Putin has been concerned about
Hello Kitty in happier times.
his image for some time. While the authoritarian leader in the past loved to have himself photographed shirtless while wrestling the Giant Carnivorous Mink indigenous to Siberia, he is getting on in years and the time for taking his shirt off in public is long gone. "The man is 62 years old and unless you are Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger hitting the gym constantly a man that age should keep his torso covered," stated a senior Kremlin official.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Matt Damon Reveals Spoilers In Upcoming 'Justice League' Movie

Matt is getting ready for his big aquatic role by
training with US Navy SEALS.

Matt Damon has broken his silence about the new Justice League movie that is being directed by Zach Snyder, and slated to hit theaters in 2017. It is official: Matt will be playing Aquaman, the superhero of the Seven Seas and Lord of the Oceans. While discussing his upcoming role as one of the original founders of the Justice League, Matt had this to say,
Of course it's an honor to play one of the most versatile and well known super heroes. 71% of our planet's surface is covered by water. How long can Batman stay in his bat-submersible? Not too long. What I really like about the script is that Aquaman gets his own story line with a major plot twist.  
Aquaman's secret identity is SpongeBob SqarePants.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Jenny McCarthy Tells Everyone That She Is Marrying The Wrong Wahlberg

I'm never going near the Baldwin brothers
without a map!

Jenny McCarthy, co-host of The View and adversary of science based medicine, held a news conference and told the world that she was engaged to the wrong Wahlberg.
I think that thinking Donnie Wahlberg is his brother Mark Wahlberg is something everyone has done. Am I right or am I right?
Ms McCarthy went on to say that she fell in love with Mark's Golden Globe nominated role in The Departed. Ever since then she had her eyes on the actor.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Stephen Colbert Admits He Doesn't Really Know Stephen Colbert Anymore

When I sign am I signing this as Stephen Colbert or
as Stephen Colbert?
Stephen Colbert, TV and film actor, one time candidate for the President of South Carolina, and star of the Comedy Central show The Colbert Report is taking David Letterman's job in late night starting in 2015. Mr Colbert has publicly stated that he will not be playing the character on The Colbert Report -- Stephen Colbert. Instead, America will see the real Stephen Colbert.