Alex Jones To Join The Biggest Loser

 

Far-right conspiracy theorist and self-described anti-globalist Alex Jones is deep in the trouble bubble due to Judge Christopher M. López denying Jones' bankruptcy filing. However, the Sandy Hook families can not start collecting the 1.5 billion dollars Jones owes them.

Anthony Fauci Attacks Donald Trump's NFT Collectible Cards

Anthony Fauci is leaving public service. After spending over fifty years he's looking forward to leaving government work and trying something new. However, the acting director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases still has a lot to say, and he's warning the public against the health perils of former Donald J. Trump's NFT collectible cards.

Russians Are Weaponizing Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'

 

Kyiv, Ukraine - The people of Ukraine are suffering and there's no end in sight. For months they've fought off the Russians valiantly. After thwarting the initial invasion, the Ukrainians retook territory from the invaders with the help of their western allies. Fearing a complete collapse of the Russian forces, Vladimir Putin is targeting vital Ukrainian energy infrastructure. Swarms of Iranian-made suicide drones are plunging the nation's cities into darkness.

Christian Hookup App Crashes Due To Marjorie Taylor Greene

 

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is responsible for crashing the world's largest Christian hookup app, Christian Kasual. The reason? The system could not handle so many users swiping left on her profile. "The system could not handle that sort of rejection at one time," said a developer.

Dave Chappelle Joined A Cult

Comedian Dave Chappelle recently joined a cult and coworkers, friends, and family are excited for him. However, not everyone is happy. In fact, when he went public with the information thousands of his die-hard fans booed him.

Megachurch Pastor Defends 'Faith-Based Dick Enlargement'

 

Megachurch minister Andrew Canard of Burning Bush Ministries (BBM) is under fire for using church funds to pay for treatment to extend the length and the girth of his phallus. The controversy is dividing his flock and increasing calls for the IRS to tax faith-based institutions.

To Avoid Prison This Bali Man Married Himself

A Bali man legally married himself in order to masturbate in the privacy of his own home. While it may seem to be an odd thing to do, it makes sense when considering the new law banning sex outside of marriage in this Muslim-majority country.

Team Vampire Wins The Georgia Senate Runoff Election

 

The Georgia Senate runoff election is over and Democrat Raphael Warnock from Team Vampire is victorious. It was a classic battle of vampires vs werewolves and it turns out to the chagrin of Herschel Walker that, yes, vampires can defeat werewolves. 

Kanye West 'Enslaves Himself' To Donald J. Trump

 

It's difficult to imagine Kanye West doing anything more bizarre than going on Alex Jones's InfoWars in a ski mask and saying positive things about German fascism leading up to and through the Second World War. However, if there is one thing all of us should know by now is that there is no end to the bottomless pit of extremism that is Kanye West.

Alex Jones' New 'Man Supplement' Contains Cat Poo

 

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is selling a new supplement to gullible men. Named Alpha Dog the capsules are guaranteed to produce "high-value males." A cursory look at the ingredients, however, shows Alpha Dog contains a lot of cat poo.

Hershel Walker Writes Keke Palmer A Check 'Just In Case'

The actress Keke Palmer announced to the world she is pregnant on Saturday Night Live and her legion of her fans are excited for her. 

Millions watched her grow up on TV and on the big screen with roles on projects like Barbershop 2: Back in Business as well as playing the lead on the Nickelodeon series True Jackson, VP. 

Harrison Ford's Face Is Frozen In Disappointment

Hollywood - Film star Harrison Ford was rushed to an area hospital early today due to his face being frozen in what physicians are calling Chronic Resting Dad Face (CRDF). 

Mr. Ford was on the set filming the Apple+ series Shrinking where he plays a therapist who is diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Peter Seigel is costaring. He's also playing a therapist grappling with his own set of issues.