Friday, March 29, 2013

West Virginian Senator Has Been Uncontrollably Crying For Days

In happier days.
West Virginian Senator Joe Manchin hasn't been seen for days by family and staff. Concerned staffers huddled by the senator's office door and have reported to have heard quiet sobs as well as the nonstop merry making from the cast of MTV's reality show set in West Virginia, Buckwild.

"Oh my God, I knew it was going to be bad, but, Jesus Christ, this is horrible," came a wail from deep inside.

"I think the pressure from all the budgetary talks have really been wearing on him, and then he must have stumbled onto a marathon of Buckwild. That must have sent him over the edge," stated concerned personal assistant, Artie Jones

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Victoria's Secret Defends Marketing to Babies

Victoria's Secrets has recently revealed its spring clothing line Bright Young Things, and has received a boatload of controversy from parents, religious leaders, and their possible target audience -- babies.

"Why are they trying to make me look sexy? That isn't right,"stated 5 day old  Nancy MacDonald (pictured left), just before her three hour midday nap.

Victoria's Secret has denied marketing revealing and sexy apparel to tots. "Victoria's Secrets is not sexing up babies. However, our company's mission statement specifically states that we do not discriminate against a woman's age or size. That  is why Bright Young Things comes in micro-sizes for the college age girl who has hormone issues and is the size of a 5 day old," Wendy Hall, Chief Marketing Director for Babies at Victoria's Secrets.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Jessica Simpson Gets Into Huge Fight With Rival!

Jessica Simpson, mega-mom, recording star, and fashion designer has it all. But when you have it all, there are some people who want to shine by putting you down. That's exactly what happened last week when Jessica went toe-to-toe with a rival at Jessica Simpson's Girls Collection event.
I can't believe she did that to Jessica. That girl brought tears to poor Jessica eyes by hogging all the attention from the crowd and photographers. - Bill Kannard, Ms Simpson's publicist

Friday, March 22, 2013

Rush Limbaugh Gives Beyoncé Marriage Advice

Next, Rush is going to tell Beyoncé how to get in shape.

Rush Limbaugh, famed talk-show host and recovering drug addict, recently went on air to welcome superstar Beyoncé into the land of traditional values marriage.
She's got a new song. Can I say it? It's on the popular charts. ‘Bow Down, Bitches’ is the new tune. A total 180. Beyoncé's now saying, ‘Go ahead and put up with it,’ and you know why? I'll tell you why. Because she got married. She's married to [a] rich guy. She's even calling herself Mrs. Carter on the tour. She has shelved Beyoncé. She's no longer being called that. She's gonna call herself Mrs. Carter on the Bow Down, Bitches Tour. That's the title of the single that's fronting the tour. The advice to these women is, ‘Go ahead and put up with it. Put up with it now. Bow down, bitches," because why? She got married. She married the rich guy and she now understands. She now understands it's worth it to bow down, and so now she's passing on this advice. (Source)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Michelle Obama Scandal Erupts!

Michelle is about to be impeached.
There is a real possibility that she will
abdicate from being First Lady.

Washington DC Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner, has officially levelled charges against Michelle Obama. The federal government held its collective breath as the Republican from Ohio read the charges against the First Lady.
Simply put, Michelle Obama's relationship with the organic food industrial complex is improper, and is clearly a high crime of these United States.
Speaker Boehner continued to cite evidence gathered by the FBI on how Mrs. Obama's Let's Move campaign, the nationwide childhood anti-obesity drive, was used by the First Lady to funnel tens of pounds of fresh organic food into the White House.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Real Reason Why Lindsay Lohan Acts Crazy

Lohan: a method to her madness

Los Angeles, California Lindsay Lohan walked out of the LA courthouse earlier today with a big smile on her face even though she had just been sentenced to a 90 day stay in a lock-up rehab facility. When asked why the 26 year old actress was grinning so much she replied, "I just can't hold it in anymore. I'm stepping out of character for only five minutes, but OMG! I am going to star in the biggest movie next year. It's called The Addict."

Ms Lohan revealed that she had been utilizing the techniques found in Method acting, where the performer submerges his or her personality completely into the role. Lindsay's supposed troubles with the law, drug use, and repeated stays at rehab were all in preparation for the upcoming movie.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Rihanna's New Fragrance, Masochist, to Debut on Her Wedding Day

The packaging for the new perfume isn't ready yet,
but RiRi insisted on the color being  as close to black and blue as possible.
Rihanna announced today that her new fragrance, Masochist, is hitting stores on the same day as her beach party wedding to convicted girlfriend beater, Chris Brown.
I take risks all the time with my different hairstyles, clothes, and long term relationships. After my third fragrance Nude came out, I wanted to push the limits of the human olfactory system and the upper limits good taste. That's how my team of North Korean scientists and I came up with Masochist. - Rihanna