Thursday, April 11, 2013

Kevin Bacon Gets Into More Tweet Trouble

Kevin Bacon: Worst secret agent ever?

Kevin Bacon, actor extraordinaire, has been arrested and currently being held in a secret federal location due to a series of tweets that exposed his secret identity as a North Korean spy. This comes on the heals of Mr Bacon's revealing a major plot turn in his TV show 'The Following' before that episode was aired to the overseas audience.

It all started when Mr Bacon retweeted a message he had received from TV executive producer Jodi Gomes concerning the most recent episode. That message was sent worldwide via the messaging service, and ruining  the plot twist. What happened afterwards directly lead to the actor's arrest.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Idaho State Senator Stamps Out the Corrupting Influence of the Girl Scouts

Boise, Idaho Irving A. Falstaff, state senator from the Gem State's 3rd district, has announced a breakthrough in an ongoing fight against tax evasion and corruption: Girl Scouts are not going to get a free ride in his state.

"I have blocked a nefarious bill in the state legislature that would have allowed the pro-gay agenda, non-profit organization known as the Girl Scouts special treatment. There was a scheme to make the sale of Girl Scout cookies free of the sales tax." stated Senator Falstaff.

The Girl Scouts were trying to pass a law that would exempt them from paying 22 cents of tax per box of cookies sold. In all, the organization was expected to pay approximately $150,000 to the state.

Senator Falstaff, however, is not happy even though he has won this round of the political boxing match.

"The Girl Scouts continue to accept homosexuals in their ranks, and local groups are hotbeds for the recruitment of God fearing girls into the lesbian lifestyle. Their cookies reflect this unwholesome sickness. Just look at the names of their cookies: Do-si-Does, Trefoils, Dulce de Leche -- those sound very un American to me. I say we tax the un American cookies higher than the Thin Mints," Senator Falstaff said.

Critics of the state senator point out that he is more than likely going to facing a fierce political battle for his seat in the next election, and simply trying to divert attention away from his history of marital infidelity. Aids to the Idaho politician state that his sagging approval numbers in the recent polls has nothing to do with attacking the non-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of countless girls.

*Although this story is a fake, the links above point to the real stories behind the real craziness.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

North Korea and the Syfy Channel Linked to Giant Asian Carp Invasion in Chicago

If you see this fish, run for your life.

Chicago, Illinois The city of the Broad Shoulders is under siege, and the enemy is Asian carp. The typical bighead carp are 40 lbs while the largest of the species can reach 100 lbs of aggressive Hypophthalmichthys nobilis. Under normal circumstances Asian carp are an invasive fish that dominate any American watershed they find. However, the fish recently found in the Chicago area are dramatically larger and more aggressive, with the normal animal at 100 lbs and the heaviest weighing in at 200 lbs. Worse yet, there is evidence that these creatures have been genetically modified by North Korea, and sent into our America's waterways  by the Syfy channel.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

State Representative from Arkansas Speaks Out Against the Dangers of Solar Power.

If the solar power-industrial complex wins,
this mother will need to sell one of her kids to a
Muslim just to make ends meet.

Little Rock, Arkansas William "T-Bird" Montgomery-King, state representative of the 15th district in Arkansas, took some time out from his busy work day and talked with reporters about the dangers and evils associated with solar power.

"The power that the Sun wields is indeed a mighty thing," Mr. Montgomery-King pronounced as he drank lemonade in the shade of the great oak tree just outside the state house. "But no matter how mighty it is, there is just so much of it to spread around.  What's gonna happen if we use it all up?"