Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Newt Gingrich drops out of presidential race!

Washington DC - After a strong performance at yet another Republican debate last night, Newt Gingrich has been ejected from the gaggle of Republican presidential hopefuls. The reason for this about turn for Mr Gingrich is that he is not constitutionally qualified to be President of the United States. Although he is over the age of thirty-five and a natural born citizen of the US it has been discovered that Newt Gingrich is in all reality a Meleagris gallopavo, commonly known as a wild turkey.
The story broke last night as pundits, analysts and late night talk show hosts began to connect the dots. Jimmy Kimmel noted in his monologue how focused the candidate was on certain topics,
"I know the debate was supposed to be on foreign affairs, but did anyone notice that Newt kept going on what a friend the US has with the Turkish government? Even when the other nominees talked about illegal immigration Newt kept going on about how inhuman it was to baste turkeys." 
 In the wee hours of the early morning CNN anchor Louis Canard compared a series of photographs with devastating effects on the Gingrich campaign.

Newt working a crowd in Iowa

The candidate lounging around at home.
The CNN anchor than produced a copy of Mr Gingrich's original birth certificate. It clearly read that Mr Gingrich was hatched at Sunnydale Farms on June 17, 1943.

The Gingrich team immediately went into crisis management mode. Spokesperson Marvin S. Galliformes cried fowl at the charges.
These outlandish claims are baseless. I wish to say that Mr Gingrich is not and has never been a wild or domestic turkey. Newt is a proud American and has always been pro-mammal.
 However the turkey, so to speak, was out of the bag. The morning news shows dissected all of the candidate's pro-turkey views such as increasing the number of turkeys the President annually pardoned from being eaten on Thanksgiving from two to forty-six million and replacing the bald eagle with the noble turkey as the country's official animal.

Newt eventually called a press conference to announce that he will no longer continue to seek the office of the President of the United States. In his closing remark Mr. Gingrich stated that the mainstream press will no longer be able to ruffle his feathers.

Doesn't wish to talk turkey.