Friday, November 25, 2011

Justin Bieber's paternity test is negative, but a super hot celebrity makes an outrageous claim.

Hollywood, California - Justin Bieber breathed a bit easier tonight when his DNA sample proved beyond a reasonable doubt that he is not the father of Mariah Yeater's baby.  However, minutes after the announcement another baby momma came forward to say that Justin is the father of her child: Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy, star of the current hit movie The Muppets as well as veteran of the popular TV series The Muppet Show, shocked the entertainment industry as well as the science community when she went on camera and said that the two celebrities enjoyed a night of sin together.

Justin was there at the premiere of moi's movie, and then we all went to the after party. It was clear to everyone that he wanted kissy-kissy time with moi, but my heart belongs to Kermie. He said yea, and I say nay. He crooned yea, and I oinked nay. It went back and forth like that through the evening until he looked at me with those big eyes of his and said, "I want to make you one less lonely pig." Nature took its course. Now we're going to have a baby!
 The scientific community is left collectively scratching its head at this turn of affairs. If Justin is the father, then this is the first time a child has been the result of a man and Muppet union. Maxwell Longstreet PhD, and head of the biology department of Freedonia University, had this to say,
The improbability of a child arrising from Miss Piggy and Justin Bieber's fiery passion is highly improbable. I mean, not only are man and pig totally different species and genetically incompatable with each other, but Miss Piggy is a Muppet. I don't even know how Muppets make other Muppets, and I don't want to know!
Upon hearing Dr. Longstreet's statement Miss Piggy said that if she ever saw him on the street she would swiftly apply a karate chop for such anti-Muppet bigotry.
Someone who has been quiet during the scandal is Kermit the Frog. The mild-mannered amphibian is currently taking time to himself. His agent stated that Kermit is catching up on his reading, finding peace in doing yoga and reflecting on what's it really means to be green.