Friday, November 18, 2011

Walmart Announces Radical Plan For Crowd Control On Black Friday

Walmart World Headquarters, Bentonville, Arkansas - Expecting the more shoppers than ever on Black Friday this year Walmart has announced its strategy on how to manage the crowds: Border Collies.  Thousands of the sheep herding canines are being flown in from Ireland, Scotland and New Zealand in the hope that they will be able to control unruly mobs of holiday shoppers. Accompanying the dogs will be shepherds who will be commanding the animals during what has become the busiest shopping day of the year.

Warren Saggs, the Walmart junior vice-president who first thought of the plan, Operation Sheepherder, had this to say,

Here at Walmart we value the safety of our customers as well as the lowest prices for our items. Over the years the day after Thanksgiving has become the competitive shopping event in the world. I reflected on the fact that Walmart's doors are opening at 10 PM on Thanksgiving and that can only mean more shoppers than ever. Having grown up on a farm I was well aquainted with the Border Collies ability to move large quantities of livestock like cows, pigs and of course sheep for hours and hours. Their skill was a perfect fit for the problem at hand.
When questioned on the efficacy of flying thousands of dogs and their shepherds into the country Mr. Saggs replied, "On the farms Border Collies do the work of three or four men. If anything, we are saving money because we will need less Walmart employees to handle the crowds -- and we pass those savings on to the consumer."

Getting ready for the big day
There have been concerns raised by labor groups that throwing the dogs into the frenzy is inhumane. Consumer groups also have raised the issue that the dogs will somehow dampen the fun of holiday shopping. The Newest Newsy News caught up with Gregor MacDonald, one of the shepherds flown in from the Highlands of Scotland, and asked him what he thought.  After drinking a bit from his flask the sixty-five year old had this to say, "The dogs 'ave worked all their lives fightin' the elements, wolves and the odd wanker who wants to pilfer sheep. A day in the shops is mere childsplay. As for the shoppers, dey better b'have themselves or they'll wind up with one of me dogs nippin' at their ankles."

*This story is 100% fake.