US Budget Crisis Averted!

Washington – President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that there is no hope in sight for a budget compromise. The distance between the Republican and Democratic positions is too far to bridge. Democrats charge that the Republican plan to use the poor as containers for toxic waste defies both morality and basic chemistry. Republicans retorted that the Democrats want to turn America into some God forsaken country like Sweden.

However, the two leaders stated that a process around the impasse has been agreed upon. John Boehner and President Obama will engage in a trial by ordeal, and the winner gets to decide the budget. Popular in Europe during the Middle Ages and in ancient societies, trial by ordeal has a long and respected history. Though there are many types of trials the basic principles are clear:  1. There is suffering involved; 2. Through that suffering the truth is revealed.  The aides for the President and Speaker of the House negotiated which trial to utilize. Trial by boiling water? Trial by fire? Perhaps the Nigerian trial of the calabar bean where a poisonous bean is eaten and if the individual vomits the bean then they are guilty? Finally, the two sides agreed on the ordeal of water.

The ordeal of water will consist of a large rock being tied around each person’s neck and then both will be tossed into deep water. The official who is in the right, it is reasoned, will float to the service, or they will drown and then get their reward in the afterlife. The historical texts are vague on this point.

Regardless, the matter of the budget will be resolved.



* This story is 100% fake.