Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Budget is Slashed and Paintball Fans are Ecstatic!

The National Mall in Washington DC has been privatized. The Mall includes the Capitol Buiding (home of the Senate and House of Representatives), Lincoln and Washington Monuments; Korean, Vietnam, and World War II War Memorials; and the museums that make up the Smithsonian. Announced minutes ago, the area known for Martin Luther King's I have a dream speech as well as Glen Beck's I need some medication camp meeting will no longer be open for the public. Why? The reason is clear: America is out of  money.

"The upkeep of the Mall unecessarily costs tax payers millions of dollars each year," stated Louisanna Representative Maxwell Dean Fox, sponsor of the law aptly named, This is the Only Way to Fund the Extention of Bush's Tax Cuts Act. As per the new law, the Mall's new owners, Extreme Paintball Challenge, take possession of the property immediately. Gerhardt Mengele, CEO of Extreme Paintball, was ecstatic after the deal went through, "Our extreme paintball customers will enjoy the high octane pleasure of fighting in and around what was once your most treasured national symbols." Gerhardt explained that there will be a variety of scenarios that players can engage in. To christen the new amusement park the Sons of Confederate Veterans have rented out the entire area to play the The Taking of Washington:1863 game. The Sons have been strictly told that they can NOT burn the amusement park to the ground.

In a related story, at the Thomas Jefferson monument (some distance away from the Mall) Thomas Jefferson's statue has been turned so that he doesn't have to see the shame of his country.