Menlo Park, CA - New research from the University of Facebook shows that the convicted predator Jeffrey Epstein was, in fact, former President of the United States Andrew Jackson.
The new study was published in the peerless-reviewed journal Auntie Gene's Personal Facebook Account (AGPFA). The AGPFA has a history of investigative journalism. In the past, its writers and editorial staff revealed shocking truths like Bigfoot is Real and He's Hillary Clinton, as well as Alex Jones was Right about EVERYTHING.
Head Writer and Chief Editor Aunt Gene dropped the truth bomb at 11:35 PM last night. As always, her writing shows a prudent use of the English language. Her fans and followers expect world-class photojournalism and they were not disappointed.
"Not only is Epstein/Jackson the same person, but he's a vampire, too!" said longtime friend of the AGPFA, Auntie Mary. "I bet he's still alive living with the Obamas," she added.
Some readers may consider such claims to be highly controversial and hard to believe. They may also add that President Andrew Jackson was guilty of genocide due to his role in The Trail of Tears where 4,000 members of the Cherokee nation died because white people wanted cheap real estate in Georgia. However, that does not necessarily make him a vampire or for that matter, the sexual predator known as Jeffrey Epstein.
Auntie Gene disagrees.
"I saw it on the Facebook and so it's gotta be true," she said while smoking a Pall Mall and drinking straight whiskey at 3 in the afternoon.
Fans of Auntie Gene's Facebook profile are looking forward to the next revelation. Will it be about the Loch Ness Monster? Or perhaps about UFSs?
Only time will tell.