Sunday, September 3, 2023

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Stares in Disbelief at His Own Age, Discovers He's Ancient

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an astonishing turn of events, Senator Mitch McConnell was reportedly left utterly dumbfounded today and blankly stared into space as he discovered just how ancient he truly is. The Kentucky Senator, long known for his stoic demeanor and mastery of political maneuvering, found himself unable to comprehend the passage of time when confronted with his own age.

It all began innocently enough when McConnell, 81, decided to update his Wikipedia page with some biographical information. He intended to add a few lines about his time in office and perhaps upload a more recent photograph where he didn't look quite as though he'd been carved from petrified wood.

But as he typed his birthdate – February 20, 1942 – into the "Date of Birth" field, the shock hit him like a freight train. He stared at the screen, blinking his beady eyes in disbelief as if he had just stumbled upon a state secret.

After staring at the screen for three hours, he snapped out of it.

"I… I can't believe it," McConnell muttered to no one in particular. "1942? That can't be right. I must've made a mistake."

The Senator frantically called his office IT guy, Andrew Canard, who assured him that the birthdate was indeed accurate. McConnell then proceeded to double-check with his own mother, who, at 108 years old, could only chuckle and confirm his vintage.

"I thought I was just hitting my prime," McConnell mumbled, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, I've been in the Senate for decades, but 1942? That's like, ancient history!"

McConnell then stared into the void for another three hours, when he realized it was time time to drink some lukewarm water.

McConnell's realization sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill. Fellow Senators, used to the Republican leader's stony facade, watched in amazement as he grappled with the inexorable march of time.

"I've known Mitch for years, and I've never seen him so flustered," said Senator Chuck Schumer, the Senate Majority Leader. "He was wandering around the Senate chamber muttering about dial-up internet and rotary phones. It's like he's discovered he's a relic from a bygone era."

Social media erupted with memes and jokes, with many suggesting that McConnell may have been a vampire, mummy, or some other sort of walking dead thereby explaining his longevity. Others speculated that he might have secretly witnessed the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Even McConnell's wife, Elaine Chao, couldn't help but tease him about his newfound awareness of his age. "I told him he should've retired years ago and started enjoying his golden years," Chao quipped. "But you know Mitch – he's always been a workhorse."

As the day wore on, McConnell attempted to regain his composure and return to the business of politics, but the revelation of his true age continued to haunt him. He couldn't help but marvel at the world's transformation during his lifetime, from the moon landing to the rise of smartphones.

In a candid moment, McConnell admitted, "I may be old, but I've got a few tricks left up my sleeve. Don't underestimate me just yet." With that, he stared into the void for twenty minutes. He then retreated to his office to contemplate the mysteries of aging, leaving the nation to wonder just what other "surprises" the venerable Senator might have in store for us.

In the end, Mitch McConnell's encounter with his own age serves as a poignant reminder that even the most seasoned politicians are not immune to the relentless march of time – a reality that, for once, has left the Senate's master tactician feeling completely and utterly bewildered.