Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Koch Brothers Accuse Bernie Sanders Of Being A Puppet To BIG Maple

Behind that smile is a heart corrupted
by maple syrup.

Andrew Kannard, official spokesperson for the Koch Industries Incorporated Action Committee (KochPAC), called a news conference where Vermont Senator and Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders was accused of being a pawn of the maple syrup industry.

For twenty minutes accusations were hurled at Senator Sanders that included:

  • Secretly supporting the Vermont Maple Sugar Makers Association clandestine operations (code named Black Maple) to undermine and destroy Quebec's (their arch rival and world's largest producer of maple syrup) sugar-producing infrastructure.
  • Spreading the propaganda of BIG Maple by peppering his speeches on the US Senate floor regarding the high amount of antioxidants in maple syrup.
  • Coercing the citizens of Vermont to put maple syrup and not sugar in their morning coffee. 
Mr Kannard went on to answer questions from the press. The following is an excerpt of the transcript from the Q&A.

Question from  Michael Tool from FOX News: Is it true that if Black Maple were successful there was a plan to to trick the US people into believing Quebec had weapons of mass destruction and thus needed to be invaded?  
Answer: Absolutely. Bernie Sanders and the Vermont Maple Sugars Association would then incompetently occupy Quebec and then allow the province to fall into the hands of sugar zealots.

Question from Laura Monogram of the Laura Monogram Show: What evidence do you have that Bernie Sanders is the anti-Christ?
Answer: Good question, and I'm glad you brought that up. KochPAC is intimately interested in the probable metaphysical connection with Lucifer, Lord of the Pit, and Senator Sanders. We have partnered with Duck Dynasty to discern whether Senator Sanders is only a prophet of the Devil or is the actual anti-Christ.

The Sanders campaign has refused to reply to the accusations of KochPAC. An anonymous source deep in the campaign, however, did state that the charge of selling the American people the idea of invading a foreign country based on shoddy evidence about weapons of mass destruction is patently absurd.