Thursday, April 4, 2013

North Korea and the Syfy Channel Linked to Giant Asian Carp Invasion in Chicago

If you see this fish, run for your life.

Chicago, Illinois The city of the Broad Shoulders is under siege, and the enemy is Asian carp. The typical bighead carp are 40 lbs while the largest of the species can reach 100 lbs of aggressive Hypophthalmichthys nobilis. Under normal circumstances Asian carp are an invasive fish that dominate any American watershed they find. However, the fish recently found in the Chicago area are dramatically larger and more aggressive, with the normal animal at 100 lbs and the heaviest weighing in at 200 lbs. Worse yet, there is evidence that these creatures have been genetically modified by North Korea, and sent into our America's waterways  by the Syfy channel.

"All I wanted to do was to have a great viral marketing campaign for my film Killer Mutant Carp, a Syfy original movie," stated Douglas Glass, director/executive producer/marketing director of Killer Mutant Carp. "A small fat man named Kim met me in LA, and said he had a great way to get almost free publicity for the greatest film about mutant fish ever. For very little money, he gave me fish eggs to sprinkle in key target cities. He specifically said that these carp were not mutant killing machines."

But mutant killing machines they are.

The non-mutant variety of Asian carp can travel small distances on land and feed on plankton (microscopic plants and animals). They do not attack people. The mutant variety now raging through the waterways and back alleys of Chicago have found that microscopic prey just doesn't satisfy their mutantic appetites. Small animals that linger too close to the water have been the victims of the giant fish.

Worse yet, they seem to have some sort of primitive intelligence.

In happier days.

*Yes, this is a Poe -- a fake story
"It is true that many fish mongers around Chicago have been viciously killed," said mayor Rahm Emmanuel. "It looks like the mutant killer Asian carp are taking out their natural enemies. Who knows what they will do next."

Animal psychologist, William Hall, had this to say, "It's clear what this species is doing: It's taking out the strongest anti-fish elements of the city before launching the main attack. I'm outta here."

In related news, the Syfy original movie Killer Mutant Carp has been a success with reportedly 25 viewers, which is 20 more than the typical Syfy film.