Sunday, July 23, 2023

Ted Nugent Goes Blind

In a shocking turn of events, legendary rocker and outspoken gun rights advocate, Ted Nugent, has reportedly gone blind after attempting to read a scientific study on gun violence in the United States. The incident has left many in the scientific community scratching their heads, while others are pointing to the dangers of willful ignorance.

Nugent, who is well-known for his controversial views on guns, decided to take a break from strumming his guitar to delve into the world of empirical data. Armed with a magnifying glass and a printout of the study, he embarked on what would become a life-changing reading session.

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According to witnesses, Nugent's foray into the world of research did not go as planned. As he began to peruse the study's findings, he reportedly made a series of exasperated grunts and snorts, as if he were personally offended by each data point that challenged his long-held beliefs.

"It was like watching a slow-motion train wreck," said Dr. Andrew Canard the researcher who conducted the study. "At first, he seemed genuinely interested in the data, but as soon as he encountered statistics that contradicted his worldview, you could see his face turning red."

It was at this point that Nugent's condition took a severe turn for the worse. His eyes, unaccustomed to encountering objective reality, began to water profusely. Friends and family members initially thought it was just an emotional reaction to the cognitive dissonance, but the situation rapidly deteriorated.

"I tried to console him," said Sheryl, Nugent's longtime partner. "But he just kept muttering about 'liberal propaganda' and 'fake news.' It was like he couldn't fathom that evidence-based research could actually present a different perspective."

Shortly after the incident, Nugent was rushed to the hospital. Medical experts have diagnosed him with a rare condition called "Selective Cognitive Blindness," in which the brain deliberately shuts down visual processing when faced with information that challenges deeply ingrained beliefs.

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"We've seen cases like this before," explained Dr. Michael Stevens, a neurologist at the hospital. "It's as if the brain goes into self-defense mode, protecting its preconceived notions at all costs. Unfortunately, in Nugent's case, the mechanism was so extreme that it caused temporary blindness."

Nugent's recovery is uncertain, as his stubbornness to acknowledge scientific evidence remains a significant obstacle to his healing process. Despite doctors' attempts to reason with him and present further research on the matter, Nugent insists that his blindness is merely a liberal conspiracy.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world looks on in bemusement, as Ted Nugent's plight becomes a cautionary tale of what can happen when one prefers ideology over reality. As the saying goes, "You can close your eyes to the facts, but that doesn't change the facts."

In related news, Tucker Carlson's new podcast epically fails.