Sunday, April 23, 2023

God Hates The Same People As You Do

Cambridge, MA - A new study from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology proves that God hates the same people as you do. Not only does the Almighty despise the same people as you do, but He pretty much shares your opinion on politics, music, and sports. 

"Billions of believers are correct when they think God is on their side," said Professor Andrew Canard lead author of the study, Statistical Evidence for God Having The Same Opinion As His Worshippers. "I really don't know how God can do it, but He is after all, all-powerful."

The Study's Methods: Testing The Faithful

The research team questioned hundreds of millions of Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and Jews. The questions focused on the individual's tastes, opinions, and preferences. They expressed their innermost thoughts and feelings on a one to seven scale with one representing a strong dislike and seven indicating strongly liked. Answers were sorted into general categories. 

Here are a few examples of a query and in parenthesis the general category it was grouped into:

  • Owning assault weapons is the best way to Americanize a home. (Politics)
  • Football games are won by the side whose fans pray the most. (Sports)
  • Billionaires are job creators. They need as much taxpayer money as possible. (Economics)
After answering the exam, researchers waited three days to ask the subjects what God felt and thought about the same issues. The exact same questions were asked. It turns out that God hates everything a worshipper hates.

"It is weird," explained Professor Canard. "Not only does God hate the same people, but he loves the same vacation destinations, food, and pets as the people participating in the project. If someone who is Catholic can't stand eating fluffernutter sandwiches, then their Jesus can't stand them either."

Lobbyists for the marshmallow creme known as fluff insist that their product is what a person's sweet tooth craves regardless of religious affiliation. 

Making Sense Of God's Will

Theologians, priests, ministers, rabbis, and imams are scratching their collective heads with the results. While it's easy to explain why people of different (i.e., false) faiths and their false God have different preferences from those of the One Truth Faith, what about all those Lutherans who don't agree on whether or not God loves fish tacos?

Reverend Jonathan Edwards is a Congregationalist theologian from Northampton, MA, and is grappling with the matter. At first, he thought there was something wrong with the experimental design of the study. "God's word is infallible. Scientific studies are the work of man and are quite fallible," he told friends. However, even after hours and hours of close scrutiny of the research, he could find nothing wrong with it.

This man of God was not going to be easily deterred. Perhaps the Devil placed some sort of demon into the science? Reverend Edwards fasted and prayed on the matter. He finally came up with the answer. 

"God's ways are mysterious."

Mysterious ways are mysterious

Can God create a boulder that He can not lift?

Can God make a circle with four sides?

Did Baby Jesus ever have to get potty trained?

Why is there evil in the world?

Religious scholars admit all of these questions are unanswerable. Or perhaps there are answers and God is simply not willing to tell anyone because that would ruin faith and if you have proof that He exists, well, why that would ruin Hell and eternal suffering. Where's the fun in that?