Saturday, April 29, 2023

Joel Osteen Tests Negative for Christianity

Houston, Texas - Megachurch minister and multimillionaire Joel Osteen tested negative for Christianity early this morning. The random blood test showed the man who made a fortune on the prosperity gospel is, in fact, not a Christian.

Blood tests and science are Satan's tools. 

- Joel Osteen

This new blood test doomed Joel Osteen

The new method for determining whether or not Jesus Christ the Messiah lives in a person's heart was recently developed at Miskatonic University. The test looks for evidence that the Second Person of the Christian Trinity has taken up residence in the muscle that pumps vital blood throughout the body.

Blood tests are nothing new. They can be utilized to screen for a variety of conditions. lists several of them:

  • diabetes
  • HIV
  • anemia
  • cancer
  • coronary heart disease

Professor Andrew Canard created the procedure. He used pre-existing technology in his search how to gauge whether someone is a real Christian or just faking it for the money. "Different illnesses leave different biochemical markers in the blood. For example, a certain enzyme is detected when there is liver disease present. Jesus leaves a similar trail," he said.

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Church elders surprised Osteen with the random blood test minutes before breakfast. The millionaire minister started to object to the measure. However, his latest contract specifically states that he is subject to random drug tests, and under Texas law, this health check for Jesus qualifies.

Many of his flock were shocked by the results.

Most people aren't surprised.

While the procedure showed that Joel Osteen has 0% of Jesus in his system, there are other conditions living in him. The blood test shows that while Osteen is not a Christian, he is positive for Predatory Capitalism. Anonymous sources at the lab that tested his blood state they've never seen someone who tested so high. The average American billionaire like Elon Musk, for example, has approximately 230 milligrams of the genetic marker for toxic capitalism. Joel Osteen has 666 milligrams. 

Osteen's future

Surprisingly, the man who tested negative for Christianity is still the minister of Lakewood Church. His followers are still supporting the man even though he cares a lot more for money than for Christ.

"I'm hoping to learn how to swindle people just like Joel," one parishioner said. "The man is an inspiration.

In related news, Joe Rogan challenges 270 doctors and scientists to a fight.